Just another one of those days - and I realize a lot of things about myself. For one thing, I am terrible at making friends. I tend to retreat into myself and become shy and quiet. If you know me, that would probably surprise you, as I am very extroverted with people I know. No, it's the commencement that gets me.
Also...I don't do well in big parties(think grad. parties, baby showers, etc...). I tend to want to go off by myself and pass the time by reading or, in this case, staring at a beautiful painting. In my defense, the painting was amazing; it had so much to look at, and there was always something new to see. I love painting very much, perhaps because I'm so terrible at it. It's one of those things you try and try and try, and nothing good ever really comes of it. My paintings would make the babies cry. I'm okay with that, but...I do get just a little jealous of people who can paint, and do it well, too.
There are also the times when something is, quite simply, different from the way I or my family do things - and on the rare occasion I will wish that it could be that way for me. Of course, this is merely my sentimental side coming through. I doubt many people, even if they might be very sensitive, could understand the depth of my sentimentality. It scares even me sometimes. I get stuck on things, objects, a moment in time - a book, a character from it. I tend to resist change with all I have.
I recently gave up on a dream that was always very close to my heart - I won't go into detail, but it was a matter of letting go of my sentimentality and giving it up into God's hands. I'm not forever quitting this dream, but for the time being...I won't have anything to do with it. Believe me, now that I'm on the other side, I understand, and can live with it; it only stings occasionally.
But getting to that place? It was probably one of the hardest things I've had to do. There are addictions, and then there are obsessions - this was one of the latter, if I am honest. An unhealthy infatuation with something that brought me nothing good - and yet it was such a core part of who I consider myself to be, and what I think lies in my heart. I'm not so good at knowing myself yet, y'know?
I think that might have been the first time I've really experienced a little of what heartbreak is. And no, not in some silly sense, not really. I realize how blessed I've been in my life; yes, I've been sheltered, but it's not such a bad thing.
My heart hurts easily - I've come to terms with that fact. It doesn't mean it heals quickly, too, but that's really my decision, isn't it? It will still hurt, but I can choose to let it go. It's an amazing thing, when you realize, then understand, that your pain doesn't have to define who you are. I don't have to be damaged goods, a continually broken heart. With God's help, I can move past that - that's the only reason I can.
I love that God doesn't control everything - He gives me the choice to move forward, but doesn't force me to. He doesn't promise that it will be easy or painless, but He promises to be there, beside me, carrying me, supporting me.
You know something?
It's enough.
I can live with it, so long as I have Him. I really, really can.
However many times this Fumblebee hits the window...at least it'll be picked up and given another chance.
~Fumble
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Thursday, February 23, 2012
If I Could Just See Your Face
How great the pain of searing loss? How great the pain of betreyal - those who said, "Even if I have to die with you, I will never disown you."(NIV, Matthew 26:35) Even these would flee - even Peter, who swore he would not leave - even he was conquered by fear.
How heartbreaking to hear these words, and know for an absolute truth that they were only human, that they would not stand by You when the time came.
It blows my mind that this is what they said to the Son of God, and then they deserted Him. Immediately after this, He goes to pray at Gethsemane - but first He says to the disciples, "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death..."(NIV, Matthew 26:38) He prays to the point of sweating blood - He asks His Father to take this cup from Him. But, He also prays that God's will be done - not His own. Jesus knows what is to come, and yet He submits to His Father.
Jesus went through every sin - He became every sin; He experienced it all. I know I have yet to understand the depth of the hell Jesus went through. When I think of every sin I've committed, and think of Jesus undergoing that all at one time, I am daunted. Then, to imagine the sins of every person that ever was or will be resting on Him, all at the same time.
I do not understand. I do not comprehend.
Maybe I never will.
But, to know that, at the very least, Jesus took on all my sin at once - takes on my daily, hourly sins - that, in itself, is amazing. I, as a human who shrinks from anything relatively
Who else would care? Who else could even care?
I praise You, Jesus, because You would not run - even though those closest to You, Your beloved disciples, turned their backs, You would not do the same to me. I praise You, thank You, worship You. I give you my life as a living sacrifice, though I fall day after day. I give you my puny faith, my feeble prayers, all of my failings, joys, talents, dreams, my future, my shambles of a heart, everything I dare call my "own".
It's all I can do to reciprocate the gift that cannot be repaid, that can never be out-given or out-ranked.
~Fumble
How heartbreaking to hear these words, and know for an absolute truth that they were only human, that they would not stand by You when the time came.
It blows my mind that this is what they said to the Son of God, and then they deserted Him. Immediately after this, He goes to pray at Gethsemane - but first He says to the disciples, "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death..."(NIV, Matthew 26:38) He prays to the point of sweating blood - He asks His Father to take this cup from Him. But, He also prays that God's will be done - not His own. Jesus knows what is to come, and yet He submits to His Father.
Jesus went through every sin - He became every sin; He experienced it all. I know I have yet to understand the depth of the hell Jesus went through. When I think of every sin I've committed, and think of Jesus undergoing that all at one time, I am daunted. Then, to imagine the sins of every person that ever was or will be resting on Him, all at the same time.
I do not understand. I do not comprehend.
Maybe I never will.
But, to know that, at the very least, Jesus took on all my sin at once - takes on my daily, hourly sins - that, in itself, is amazing. I, as a human who shrinks from anything relatively
Who else would care? Who else could even care?
I praise You, Jesus, because You would not run - even though those closest to You, Your beloved disciples, turned their backs, You would not do the same to me. I praise You, thank You, worship You. I give you my life as a living sacrifice, though I fall day after day. I give you my puny faith, my feeble prayers, all of my failings, joys, talents, dreams, my future, my shambles of a heart, everything I dare call my "own".
It's all I can do to reciprocate the gift that cannot be repaid, that can never be out-given or out-ranked.
~Fumble
Monday, February 20, 2012
Silent Night, Holy Night
I suppose you would think of me as foolish. Doubtless, you'd do the same as any parent would, and tell me to get to bed before I get my hide tanned. I wouldn't blame you; not really, because my sensible side, if there is such a thing, would agree with you. There is something quite achingly beautiful about a quiet, peaceful snowfall that smooths the events of the day over, and brings a sort of lonely peace, like a piano playing by itself, knowing that it has to provide all the counter-melodies and feelings.
This is one of those things I most wish to share. I suppose you could say it's one of those facets of my person, and this one in particular sits near the "romantic" facet. It's the stories like these, which aren't overly passionate or romantic, but sweet in their simplicity. I think the most beautiful proclamation of love is from a book that isn't romantic in the least. It means so much more when it's not uttered every few minutes. The phrase, "I love you," is a precious one, if only because of its rarity. What's so important? True love, of course.
I don't mean to forever ramble about loneliness, but it's one of those ever present things. I know God is always with me, beside me, but it is not good for a man to be alone, much less a woman, or even a half-mature, half-grown girl such as myself. Our dear Savior, in His kindness, saw fit to provide us with friends, family, so on...it's just only a little hard to wait for what He has in store.
The best might be yet to come, but as a forever reminder of my humanity, I always want the best now, so I can share a quiet night with him in the holy silence of a secret snowfall.
~Fumble
This is one of those things I most wish to share. I suppose you could say it's one of those facets of my person, and this one in particular sits near the "romantic" facet. It's the stories like these, which aren't overly passionate or romantic, but sweet in their simplicity. I think the most beautiful proclamation of love is from a book that isn't romantic in the least. It means so much more when it's not uttered every few minutes. The phrase, "I love you," is a precious one, if only because of its rarity. What's so important? True love, of course.
I don't mean to forever ramble about loneliness, but it's one of those ever present things. I know God is always with me, beside me, but it is not good for a man to be alone, much less a woman, or even a half-mature, half-grown girl such as myself. Our dear Savior, in His kindness, saw fit to provide us with friends, family, so on...it's just only a little hard to wait for what He has in store.
The best might be yet to come, but as a forever reminder of my humanity, I always want the best now, so I can share a quiet night with him in the holy silence of a secret snowfall.
~Fumble
Sunday, February 19, 2012
"Together"
It's funny, isn't it?
How much someone can hide behind their smiles, their laughter, their so-called joy? You can go your entire life thinking someone never had any regrets, only to find that, caught in the middle of a regret too great to stand up to, they decide to take the easy way out, without saying goodbye. I find that it's usually the people who appear the most "together" who are broken into the most pieces. When you're that shattered, all the tiny pieces move like the skin of water, so fluidly you'd never guess at the poison hiding between the molecules.
Why is that? Is it because, when we aren't so broken, it's easier to show, easier to relax, and let others know we're not perfect? I don't think so. Brokenness is brokenness, and the magnitude of it has nothing to do with the amount of scar tissue left over.
Am I "together"? Do I seem that way to you? To be very blatantly honest, there is quite a lot of myself that I don't show, and as of yet, it works that way. I long for the day when I can show the entirety of my person to someone, but for right now, learning anew every morning that God knows and understands every part of my being is enough. There is a section of a verse that causes me to weep every time I read it, because I realize, over and over, that God understands the turmoil that is my heart; he understands the agony of being misunderstood.
"I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul."
~Psalm 31:7, emphasis mine
How astounding is that? God understands the agonies, whether small or big, of our souls - he understands, he comprehends, he knows.
How amazing Jesus is, and how tenderly he moves upon my heart! He knows my heart, my person, my character, my thoughts; it was no secret from Him when I was created; I will praise Him because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; I praise Him because he knows every facet of my being, and sees fit to touch my heart in a way that is so beautiful, and so simple.
How can I be merely "together" when I am rent asunder before His loving gaze?
~Fumble
How much someone can hide behind their smiles, their laughter, their so-called joy? You can go your entire life thinking someone never had any regrets, only to find that, caught in the middle of a regret too great to stand up to, they decide to take the easy way out, without saying goodbye. I find that it's usually the people who appear the most "together" who are broken into the most pieces. When you're that shattered, all the tiny pieces move like the skin of water, so fluidly you'd never guess at the poison hiding between the molecules.
Why is that? Is it because, when we aren't so broken, it's easier to show, easier to relax, and let others know we're not perfect? I don't think so. Brokenness is brokenness, and the magnitude of it has nothing to do with the amount of scar tissue left over.
Am I "together"? Do I seem that way to you? To be very blatantly honest, there is quite a lot of myself that I don't show, and as of yet, it works that way. I long for the day when I can show the entirety of my person to someone, but for right now, learning anew every morning that God knows and understands every part of my being is enough. There is a section of a verse that causes me to weep every time I read it, because I realize, over and over, that God understands the turmoil that is my heart; he understands the agony of being misunderstood.
"I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul."
~Psalm 31:7, emphasis mine
How astounding is that? God understands the agonies, whether small or big, of our souls - he understands, he comprehends, he knows.
How amazing Jesus is, and how tenderly he moves upon my heart! He knows my heart, my person, my character, my thoughts; it was no secret from Him when I was created; I will praise Him because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; I praise Him because he knows every facet of my being, and sees fit to touch my heart in a way that is so beautiful, and so simple.
How can I be merely "together" when I am rent asunder before His loving gaze?
~Fumble
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