And what do we have for today? A world-shattering revelation? Perhaps a cure for cancer? A hope to surpass all hopes? A new presidential candidate, namely me?
Well, no. Not exactly. Not even possibly. I mean, God is the hope to surpass all hopes, that's for sure, but I ran out of all the rest a while ago. I had something I thought would be wonderful and encouraging to share, but I acquired the human condition and forgot what it was. There's nothing quite so haunting as losing an idea. Somewhere, faintly, you have a recollection that it was as close to the perfect idea as you've ever gotten, and that you need to remember it, need to share it, but it stays on the edge of the tide, beyond the waves, and never comes any closer. Nothing is left but a whisper of a dream, an itching sensation that never gets scratched. It's heartbreaking, in a tiny sense. Disappointing, though, more than anything.
That's the name of the game, isn't it? Disappointment. All the things you've wanted to accomplish, the ideas that still need to be realized, the stories that need to be written. The characters that are pounding on the inside of your skull, reminding you constantly that they haven't been birthed yet, that they're getting a bit old for this nine-month thing, that they're overdue, and it's dangerous when that happens. And then the prose - oh, yes, the prose - that coils around everything like a solitary grapevine, flourishing until it's uprooted by someone who doesn't realize that it wasn't a mistake, that it was meant to be there. Only, now it's too late, because it needed another year before it could bear fruit.
Oh, and while we're at it, let's add that I want two hours a day to study the Word, two uninterrupted hours, as well as about half an hour to an hour to pray, and the same to worship. Yes, let's just subtract them from the eight reserved for sleeping. Who needs sleep anymore, anyway? With all our technology and medicines, we should have found a remedy for exhaustion and sleepiness by now; it's just one of those nice commodities for rich people, right? Or, maybe, let's just give those four hours to video games, movies, entertainment, entertainment, and maybe some entertainment; that gives better instant gratification than the Bible does, doesn't it?
Why, oh why, can't my will be as strong with what is right as with what feels good at the time? Can't I transfer the half-hour's worth of conviction to my daily life, so I could put it to some good use, changing some useless facet of my life into something new and delicate, that promises to grow into a beautiful tree? But no, no, it would be too easy that way. I've got to be independent and struggle at it, until I'm sure that there really isn't any way to do it on my own power, and then I'll beg God for help. Always the last resort, always my last bower.
And the shameful thing is knowing that I have made it so. And it isn't even so much as what I have done with my life. It's what I haven't done with it. The words I haven't said, the thanks and compliments I haven't given, the awkward moments I haven't broken by simply being that which I have been blessed with: a friend. It is the hours(110 of them, plus about 43 minutes) I have spent gaming, isolating myself from the sunshine, the countless movies used as a halfhearted attempt to soothe the loneliness of living in an American Utopia, the numerous books I have devoured, as if the words could somehow regenerate my creativity.
I'll have you know, it doesn't work. Oh, certainly, it's nice to kick back and relax for a while, but after a while, it drains more from you than even the everyday bothers. If only I could tell the me of two weeks ago to spend spring break wisely, and to make it count. But, I digress; it doesn't work that way.
The truth is, it is a vicious cycle. I don't read the Word and pray because life has drained me, but I hook myself up to leeches that make me even more tired and dejected, then try to run another day's race with less energy than before. It would be as funny as a hamster forever running on its wheel if it weren't for the sad fact that it is me. Vanity, vanity; all is vanity. That doesn't just mean the time women spend on appearance and youthfulness. It means that life is vanity, that without the Lord in every aspect of my life, it isn't worth living. It isn't even worth doing my best at what I'm doing, because there's no one to honor with my hard work, only the paltry accolades I gain with the smallest amount of effort possible.
So you see, really, God is not only the hope to surpass all other hopes, he is the only hope. He is the only shelter that won't submit to entropy, that can offer warmth and life and joy for what is such a tiny price: my love, obedience, honor, time, attention; in short, my life. But isn't it worth it? Isn't it so very, very worth it, for all my life, to infinity, eternity, and so much further beyond to be His? It is my widow's two pennies, all that I can give that is of worth. God could take it, yes, but isn't the point of a gift that it is given, free of coercion and grudge? I am amazed that He wants all of me, whatever little that is.
Amazed, and more grateful than I can express.
After all, I've got to lose my life if I'd like any hope at all of gaining it.
But you know, after I've lost it for Him, I'm not so concerned with gaining it again. I like it where it is.
In His hands.
~Fumble
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Monday, February 18, 2013
Five Foods for Thought
Jealous? Me? Never. What would I be jealous of?
Nothing whatever! In Queen of Hearts fashion!
At any rate, here's the big five.
1) I greatly enjoy Sweet'n'Sour Chicken, courtesy of Rose Garden. If you've never been to their place, you're missing out on some of the very best Chinese food ever, especially since this is at a low price and great quality. Visit 'em, peeps!
2) My mom's homemade Chicken Adobo, with a bunch of extra garlic. I could eat the garlic out of it an that alone, as it tastes that savory. Also, who wouldn't like a dish that's so salty it doesn't go bad when you leave it out? =D (I promise that is one of a desolately small number of smileys/emoticons you will see on my blog. My blag. Whatever you'd prefer to call it. Writing shouldn't need them to express emotion, hence my lack of using them. However, with food, it's hard to express quite how much I like it. Eh, I'll work on it.)
3) Coffeecake. 'Nuff said. It doesn't really matter what kind, it's good.
4) Also, scones. Any kind is tasty, any kind is delectable and acceptable to me.
5) Dang, it's hard to keep it to only five. I have so many favorite foods. Considering everything I could put in here, though...I'd say I would have to go with a good chocolate-dipped Dairy Queen's ice cream cone. Delish!
And there we have five foods. Though, there's so much variety out there, I'm sure I have favorite foods I haven't even discovered yet. At any rate, I will call these my favorite foods for today and leave it at that.
As for jealousy...it's a rotten thing to deal with. If only I could put it to death with a solid rubber mallet, but of course not; that would be too easy. Oh, Lord, save me from letting myself be controlled by feelings. They're not words, they're not all we have to go on, and there is a better way. If only I could discover it, eh? And, honestly, there's no need to be jealous. Why should I be jealous of someone else's happiness? I'd rather be jealous for their happiness, to guard it, to keep it and treasure it as the precious thing it is. That way, it'd be a constructive outlet for jealous, don't you think?
It's alright for now, though. God knows that I'm still a me in the works, and thank Him that I'm not God - I probably would have struck me dead by now out of pure frustration.
And that's all for now, folks.
Cheerio, toodles, give us a squatch, and good night to all!
~Fumble
Nothing whatever! In Queen of Hearts fashion!
At any rate, here's the big five.
1) I greatly enjoy Sweet'n'Sour Chicken, courtesy of Rose Garden. If you've never been to their place, you're missing out on some of the very best Chinese food ever, especially since this is at a low price and great quality. Visit 'em, peeps!
2) My mom's homemade Chicken Adobo, with a bunch of extra garlic. I could eat the garlic out of it an that alone, as it tastes that savory. Also, who wouldn't like a dish that's so salty it doesn't go bad when you leave it out? =D (I promise that is one of a desolately small number of smileys/emoticons you will see on my blog. My blag. Whatever you'd prefer to call it. Writing shouldn't need them to express emotion, hence my lack of using them. However, with food, it's hard to express quite how much I like it. Eh, I'll work on it.)
3) Coffeecake. 'Nuff said. It doesn't really matter what kind, it's good.
4) Also, scones. Any kind is tasty, any kind is delectable and acceptable to me.
5) Dang, it's hard to keep it to only five. I have so many favorite foods. Considering everything I could put in here, though...I'd say I would have to go with a good chocolate-dipped Dairy Queen's ice cream cone. Delish!
And there we have five foods. Though, there's so much variety out there, I'm sure I have favorite foods I haven't even discovered yet. At any rate, I will call these my favorite foods for today and leave it at that.
As for jealousy...it's a rotten thing to deal with. If only I could put it to death with a solid rubber mallet, but of course not; that would be too easy. Oh, Lord, save me from letting myself be controlled by feelings. They're not words, they're not all we have to go on, and there is a better way. If only I could discover it, eh? And, honestly, there's no need to be jealous. Why should I be jealous of someone else's happiness? I'd rather be jealous for their happiness, to guard it, to keep it and treasure it as the precious thing it is. That way, it'd be a constructive outlet for jealous, don't you think?
It's alright for now, though. God knows that I'm still a me in the works, and thank Him that I'm not God - I probably would have struck me dead by now out of pure frustration.
And that's all for now, folks.
Cheerio, toodles, give us a squatch, and good night to all!
~Fumble
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Melancholy Shades of Greens and Oranges
Soundtrack(s): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yd3FX37mBt8 then http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uCydQm83cJQ
Look at me, posting again in one day! I'm getting good, right?
Actually...perhaps not. I just happen to have thing better to do that I can force myself to do right this time. Also, I finished a wonderful preteen's fantasy novel, and realized how good it really was...you don't tend to find very good fiction in the teen section anymore(or, at least, I don't). It's all black and vampires and werewolves, and maybe a few fallen angels amongst the ruins. I'm pretty tired of it, so I don't tend to look there as much anymore. Preteen section is safer, and honestly, I find they have better stories in terms of romance. Yeah, it's still there to some extent, but it's actually palatable, instead of disgustingly central to the story. It's still fairly hard to find. Maybe I'll do some sort of book-a-month sort of thing. Or, I just may write it down after I read it...y'know, when I get the drive to. Heh. Yeah. Drive.
Or I could just do it now! Beat the loneliness and daydreamer's depression beasties, and write up a book review! Are you ready? Here it comes!
The Waterstone ~ Rebecca Rupp
A sort of coming-of-age story about a young boy, Tad. He hears a strange, terrifying voice, and water starts to disappear from his pond and surrounding the forest. He, his father, Pondleweed, and his sister, Birdie, set out to find why this is, if it is happening elsewhere, and if so, then why and what they can do about it. Thus a journey is started. Along the way, Tad makes many friends and grows up a bit, too; he learns that life isn't always what you want it to be, but you keep going, you press through, and eventually there will be a sunny day, a good day. I won't tell you the rest, since that would spoil it, but it's got a clean rating from me - no sex, no swearing(unless you consider "fish pee" etc. swearing), and minimal romance(honestly, it's just the boy commenting on how pretty a girl is, that's about it). Yeah, it's a preteen novel, so your children would enjoy it, but I quite liked it as well. It's refreshing, and perfectly paced; not too fast, not too slow. It has some very good themes, but is relatively down-to-earth for a fantasy novel. One of my personal favorites for the last few years, since I first read it. I'd recommend it for all ages.
There, see? I went and did it. Good for me, huzzah and all that. I even have a soundtrack for it. It's funny, I was originally going to post something on how depressed(not truly depressed, more like melancholy) I was after finishing a good book, and needing somehow to play or write it out, but it helped me more to just accept that the story's done for now, and yeah, there were losses in it, but it was good while it lasted. To go through life forever thinking that no matter what you're doing, it's going to end eventually is a rotten way to live; where's the fun in it? So yes, I went outside my self-imposed box and did something a bit different.
You know what?
It was okay. And I'll be okay, too. I'm not torn up inside, I'm not broken(just a little cracked, perhaps), and I've got Jesus. It's enough.
In fact, it will always be enough.
~Fumble
Look at me, posting again in one day! I'm getting good, right?
Actually...perhaps not. I just happen to have thing better to do that I can force myself to do right this time. Also, I finished a wonderful preteen's fantasy novel, and realized how good it really was...you don't tend to find very good fiction in the teen section anymore(or, at least, I don't). It's all black and vampires and werewolves, and maybe a few fallen angels amongst the ruins. I'm pretty tired of it, so I don't tend to look there as much anymore. Preteen section is safer, and honestly, I find they have better stories in terms of romance. Yeah, it's still there to some extent, but it's actually palatable, instead of disgustingly central to the story. It's still fairly hard to find. Maybe I'll do some sort of book-a-month sort of thing. Or, I just may write it down after I read it...y'know, when I get the drive to. Heh. Yeah. Drive.
Or I could just do it now! Beat the loneliness and daydreamer's depression beasties, and write up a book review! Are you ready? Here it comes!
The Waterstone ~ Rebecca Rupp
There, see? I went and did it. Good for me, huzzah and all that. I even have a soundtrack for it. It's funny, I was originally going to post something on how depressed(not truly depressed, more like melancholy) I was after finishing a good book, and needing somehow to play or write it out, but it helped me more to just accept that the story's done for now, and yeah, there were losses in it, but it was good while it lasted. To go through life forever thinking that no matter what you're doing, it's going to end eventually is a rotten way to live; where's the fun in it? So yes, I went outside my self-imposed box and did something a bit different.
You know what?
It was okay. And I'll be okay, too. I'm not torn up inside, I'm not broken(just a little cracked, perhaps), and I've got Jesus. It's enough.
In fact, it will always be enough.
~Fumble
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Six Places
Oh, I'm getting better at this all the time; it's only been two or three months since my last post. And I'll even finish this!
Motivation is a hard thing to live without, and I'm learning it again and again. How many times will it take, living on the edge, making last-minute deadlines? Well, perhaps it's not quite that bad, but procrastination is not a good thing to have to deal with. If only I weren't somehow so in love with the rush of adrenaline that doing something the night before gives...well, I shall work on it.
Anyhow...six places!
1) Japan. For a year. I want to see all the seasons, experience everything I can, then have a good homecoming. It's even looking possible, too, once I finish my 4-year degree. I can get a job teaching English, and the rest would follow. The main thing would be for me to get the money to fly there. It's kind of scary when something that's just been a hazy dream begins to be able to be realized.
2) South America. All over; all the beautiful places, the rainforest, everything. I want to see it, firstly because it's beautiful, secondly because I want to see more of the things that God has created, and thirdly, I'd kind of like to get to know the people better.
3) Europe. Particularly Britain, France and Spain, and Germany, Austria, and Switzerland. They're all beautiful places, and I would travel them all, having a grand adventure and learning while I went.
4) Believe it or not...Russia. They've got some lovely stuff, even if it is a bit chilly at times.
5) Israel. Holy land. 'Nuff said.
6) Besides everywhere else, you mean? Canada. Specifically Prince Edward Island. In the fall. Heck, probably another year so I can see all the seasons, and get just the right amount of homesick and be grateful for my own home.
I'd like to travel many, many places. God only knows if I'll get to see them or not, but I can dream, can't I?
If not in this life, then for sure in the New Heaven and Earth.
~Fumble
Motivation is a hard thing to live without, and I'm learning it again and again. How many times will it take, living on the edge, making last-minute deadlines? Well, perhaps it's not quite that bad, but procrastination is not a good thing to have to deal with. If only I weren't somehow so in love with the rush of adrenaline that doing something the night before gives...well, I shall work on it.
Anyhow...six places!
1) Japan. For a year. I want to see all the seasons, experience everything I can, then have a good homecoming. It's even looking possible, too, once I finish my 4-year degree. I can get a job teaching English, and the rest would follow. The main thing would be for me to get the money to fly there. It's kind of scary when something that's just been a hazy dream begins to be able to be realized.
2) South America. All over; all the beautiful places, the rainforest, everything. I want to see it, firstly because it's beautiful, secondly because I want to see more of the things that God has created, and thirdly, I'd kind of like to get to know the people better.
3) Europe. Particularly Britain, France and Spain, and Germany, Austria, and Switzerland. They're all beautiful places, and I would travel them all, having a grand adventure and learning while I went.
4) Believe it or not...Russia. They've got some lovely stuff, even if it is a bit chilly at times.
5) Israel. Holy land. 'Nuff said.
6) Besides everywhere else, you mean? Canada. Specifically Prince Edward Island. In the fall. Heck, probably another year so I can see all the seasons, and get just the right amount of homesick and be grateful for my own home.
I'd like to travel many, many places. God only knows if I'll get to see them or not, but I can dream, can't I?
If not in this life, then for sure in the New Heaven and Earth.
~Fumble
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Seven Wants
I think that many of my wants could coincide with some of my loves and/or secrets. Ah well.
1) I want to be a mom. Obviously not right now, but I want to have children. Many children, God willing. =D
2) I want to go skydiving at least once before I die.
3) Also, paragliding. I want to do that many, many times before I die. Then I'll do it some more in heaven. ^^
4) I want a tablet, so I can do better drawings and all.
5) I want more God in my life. There's so much of me, I'd rather decrease and let Him increase.
6) I want to teach piano, someday. I suppose we'll see if that happens or not, but I think I could, easily.
7) I want to publish and hit bestseller with a novel. Even if it's only one in my entire life(hopefully more, but we'll see), I want to live to see it happen.
Huh. I thought that would take longer, but it didn't. Maybe I'm selfish, and maybe most of those desires are whimsical, but...most of them have been in my heart for years.
Well, I'm still hoping, anyhow.
~Fumble
1) I want to be a mom. Obviously not right now, but I want to have children. Many children, God willing. =D
2) I want to go skydiving at least once before I die.
3) Also, paragliding. I want to do that many, many times before I die. Then I'll do it some more in heaven. ^^
4) I want a tablet, so I can do better drawings and all.
5) I want more God in my life. There's so much of me, I'd rather decrease and let Him increase.
6) I want to teach piano, someday. I suppose we'll see if that happens or not, but I think I could, easily.
7) I want to publish and hit bestseller with a novel. Even if it's only one in my entire life(hopefully more, but we'll see), I want to live to see it happen.
Huh. I thought that would take longer, but it didn't. Maybe I'm selfish, and maybe most of those desires are whimsical, but...most of them have been in my heart for years.
Well, I'm still hoping, anyhow.
~Fumble
Monday, October 22, 2012
Eight Fears
Missed a day. Ah well; I was justified. I have a huge history midterm on Wednesday, and have had little or no spare time outside of studying for it. Meh...
Anyhow...eight fears is for today. I suppose I'm not very afraid of many things, but I'll come up with something, right?
1) To be very, very bluntly honest...I'm afraid of being raped. Not that I am being threatened - no, I'm just afraid that, with the world being the way it is and people being inherently evil...yeah. Though, I'm more afraid for my little sister than I am. *sigh* However, I have faith in God, that He will guard me. In fact, He already has. There was a possibility for some awful things to happen when I was in a locker room alone as a child, but I think it was divine that nothing happened, when it all too easily could have.
2) I would be afraid, or desperately sad if anyone in my family were to die. Again, this is an area where God has shown His love and mercy. My family is very large, and yet not a one of us has been killed or seriously maimed in any sort of way. God is faithful.
3) Now for something a bit less serious. I'm afraid I'll do poorly on my history midterm. There is an awful lot of information I'm *supposed* to have memorized for it, and though I've been studying very diligently, I'm worried that I won't do very well. But, what's the point in fearing? I keep reminding myself that I can do all things through Christ - even a history midterm. He will get me through.
4) I suppose a major thing that is not life-threatening in any way to me is that I am afraid to disappoint people. The greatest of which are God and my parents. Next would be other family and friends. I so dearly love my peoples, and especially God, and I fear that I don't live up to them, that I don't honor them enough with my life and what I do.
5) I'm afraid of zombies. Or, rather, my imaginary zombies. I don't like going up stairs alone at night, because I can't look both ways at once. Meh.
6) I suppose I'm a bit afraid of losing my fingers or hands in some freak accident. I so love to write, draw, and play piano, and if I were to lose even one finger, I would have difficulty coping, I think.
7) I'm afraid that, because I'm learning Karate/self defense, particularly what to do if someone grabs me, that someday, one of my friends will try to play a joke on me, and I will find that I react and hurt them, accidentally.
8) I would be afraid of living without God. I can't imagine life without His presence in my every heartbeat and breath. That would be the eternal and terrifying separation. Not one I want to go through with in the least.
I think that, in the end, I am not afraid, per se, of many things. Things can worry and cause me to act fearfully, but I am not truly afraid of many things. I suppose that death should have featured on that list somewhere, but I don't think I'm afraid of dying. Maybe, dying without having changed the world. Also, torture did not feature on that list, either. That is one thing I couldn't stand. I'd rather just be put to death, not tortured. I trust that God knows this. :P
Anyhow...I shall off to bed, and bid thee good night.
~Fumble
Anyhow...eight fears is for today. I suppose I'm not very afraid of many things, but I'll come up with something, right?
1) To be very, very bluntly honest...I'm afraid of being raped. Not that I am being threatened - no, I'm just afraid that, with the world being the way it is and people being inherently evil...yeah. Though, I'm more afraid for my little sister than I am. *sigh* However, I have faith in God, that He will guard me. In fact, He already has. There was a possibility for some awful things to happen when I was in a locker room alone as a child, but I think it was divine that nothing happened, when it all too easily could have.
2) I would be afraid, or desperately sad if anyone in my family were to die. Again, this is an area where God has shown His love and mercy. My family is very large, and yet not a one of us has been killed or seriously maimed in any sort of way. God is faithful.
3) Now for something a bit less serious. I'm afraid I'll do poorly on my history midterm. There is an awful lot of information I'm *supposed* to have memorized for it, and though I've been studying very diligently, I'm worried that I won't do very well. But, what's the point in fearing? I keep reminding myself that I can do all things through Christ - even a history midterm. He will get me through.
4) I suppose a major thing that is not life-threatening in any way to me is that I am afraid to disappoint people. The greatest of which are God and my parents. Next would be other family and friends. I so dearly love my peoples, and especially God, and I fear that I don't live up to them, that I don't honor them enough with my life and what I do.
5) I'm afraid of zombies. Or, rather, my imaginary zombies. I don't like going up stairs alone at night, because I can't look both ways at once. Meh.
6) I suppose I'm a bit afraid of losing my fingers or hands in some freak accident. I so love to write, draw, and play piano, and if I were to lose even one finger, I would have difficulty coping, I think.
7) I'm afraid that, because I'm learning Karate/self defense, particularly what to do if someone grabs me, that someday, one of my friends will try to play a joke on me, and I will find that I react and hurt them, accidentally.
8) I would be afraid of living without God. I can't imagine life without His presence in my every heartbeat and breath. That would be the eternal and terrifying separation. Not one I want to go through with in the least.
I think that, in the end, I am not afraid, per se, of many things. Things can worry and cause me to act fearfully, but I am not truly afraid of many things. I suppose that death should have featured on that list somewhere, but I don't think I'm afraid of dying. Maybe, dying without having changed the world. Also, torture did not feature on that list, either. That is one thing I couldn't stand. I'd rather just be put to death, not tortured. I trust that God knows this. :P
Anyhow...I shall off to bed, and bid thee good night.
~Fumble
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Nine Loves
So, here we are, day two. I think I shall try to keep these posts day-to-day, and if anything else that might prove to be interesting comes up, I will simply post again. I'm sure no one would mind.
Anyhow...nine loves, is it? Though I'm quite sure I have many, many more.
1) Music, many kinds. Classical will always hold a very special place in my heart; it is ageless, compared to so many other genre. After that, I can't truly use other genre, as the music I love is undefinable with genre. It seems crude to try and define the precious gift of music given us by trying to define and categorize it away.
2) Autumn. My favorite season of all, I think. I mean, I love all the seasons, but autumn has something above the others. Some melancholy triumph over that of winter, spring, or summer. If you want a glimpse into my heart, look at, think upon, and walk around in Autumn. The victory before a time of death, until it can rise again.
3) My family. I am very blessed when it comes to family. I have never wanted any other than what I have, and I certainly hope they've never wanted any other than me. I dearly love them all. See, this is that sentimental streak that is so entwined into my being. You shall have to get used to it, for it comes out in the oddest places.
4) Singing. I am no diva, nor am I an amazing talent, but I love to sing, whether it be praises to God or for fun. To me, even if I am not directly praising God with my voice, I feel as if I can praise Him by using what He's given me, and not wasting it, as some do. In singing, I have a freedom that I seldom have elsewhere. There is something powerful in having a strong voice, and I mean to sing out.
5) The Bible. It has become such a staple in my life; I scarce know how to live without the voracious consumption of it. It is all that is right, just, and true. From the Truth comes truth; what better way to pursue truth in my own life? By His Word I am saved again and again from the depths of my soul's despair. It gives me a hope I could not abide apart from; it is His greatest gift to me, I feel. It should be a tragic waste indeed if I were not to utilize it to its fullest potential. Though, I'm sure I'm not there quite yet. I can always strive, though.
6) In line with my last love, God, the Holy Spirit, and Jesus. One and the same, and yet separate. God I love, as He is my Father. In fact, the only true, good Father who loves His children unconditionally. The Holy Spirit, because it abides within me; an ever-present reminder of my decision to follow Jesus. And yes, Jesus, the bridegroom, my brother, my intimate friend. I will never be the same since meeting these three. And, to tell the truth, I never want to be the same again.
7) I shan't bestow my love upon any one person, for I love so many. Let me simply say that, as of yet, I have not given my heart in that way to anyone; it is safe, for the moment. May it stay that way for a time. I love many parts of many people, but I know myself too well to subject myself to believing that I have some fluttery "love" feeling for anyone. After all, love isn't so much a feeling as a doing; a servant hood. It is an action, what you do with the feeling, that determines whether or not it is love. Love is not selfish - and I cling to that. For, so far as I know, I have never beheld anyone in such a a way as to believe I was in love, and yet be unselfish about the entire thing. I shall be patient; I am in no great hurry. There is time enough for love, in time.
8) I love the arts, including singing and music, as well as art and writing. I could not live without these; they are rather close to my heart. I am by no means brilliant at any of them, but I shall endeavor all my life to improve what art and talent I may have.
9) Ah, the last love. I find that I'm running out of things that I truly love, but this at least I can be sure in. I love all my friends. Hopefully, you know who you are, and can be blessed. Perhaps I am too tender, I love too easily, but it is no great fault after knowing many wonderful people, is it? My heart is big; it has room for many.
I am blessed in an abundance of love, for many people, places, things. You can probably see this, but I hope it can be an encouragement to you.
After all, love grows.
~Fumble
Anyhow...nine loves, is it? Though I'm quite sure I have many, many more.
1) Music, many kinds. Classical will always hold a very special place in my heart; it is ageless, compared to so many other genre. After that, I can't truly use other genre, as the music I love is undefinable with genre. It seems crude to try and define the precious gift of music given us by trying to define and categorize it away.
2) Autumn. My favorite season of all, I think. I mean, I love all the seasons, but autumn has something above the others. Some melancholy triumph over that of winter, spring, or summer. If you want a glimpse into my heart, look at, think upon, and walk around in Autumn. The victory before a time of death, until it can rise again.
3) My family. I am very blessed when it comes to family. I have never wanted any other than what I have, and I certainly hope they've never wanted any other than me. I dearly love them all. See, this is that sentimental streak that is so entwined into my being. You shall have to get used to it, for it comes out in the oddest places.
4) Singing. I am no diva, nor am I an amazing talent, but I love to sing, whether it be praises to God or for fun. To me, even if I am not directly praising God with my voice, I feel as if I can praise Him by using what He's given me, and not wasting it, as some do. In singing, I have a freedom that I seldom have elsewhere. There is something powerful in having a strong voice, and I mean to sing out.
5) The Bible. It has become such a staple in my life; I scarce know how to live without the voracious consumption of it. It is all that is right, just, and true. From the Truth comes truth; what better way to pursue truth in my own life? By His Word I am saved again and again from the depths of my soul's despair. It gives me a hope I could not abide apart from; it is His greatest gift to me, I feel. It should be a tragic waste indeed if I were not to utilize it to its fullest potential. Though, I'm sure I'm not there quite yet. I can always strive, though.
6) In line with my last love, God, the Holy Spirit, and Jesus. One and the same, and yet separate. God I love, as He is my Father. In fact, the only true, good Father who loves His children unconditionally. The Holy Spirit, because it abides within me; an ever-present reminder of my decision to follow Jesus. And yes, Jesus, the bridegroom, my brother, my intimate friend. I will never be the same since meeting these three. And, to tell the truth, I never want to be the same again.
7) I shan't bestow my love upon any one person, for I love so many. Let me simply say that, as of yet, I have not given my heart in that way to anyone; it is safe, for the moment. May it stay that way for a time. I love many parts of many people, but I know myself too well to subject myself to believing that I have some fluttery "love" feeling for anyone. After all, love isn't so much a feeling as a doing; a servant hood. It is an action, what you do with the feeling, that determines whether or not it is love. Love is not selfish - and I cling to that. For, so far as I know, I have never beheld anyone in such a a way as to believe I was in love, and yet be unselfish about the entire thing. I shall be patient; I am in no great hurry. There is time enough for love, in time.
8) I love the arts, including singing and music, as well as art and writing. I could not live without these; they are rather close to my heart. I am by no means brilliant at any of them, but I shall endeavor all my life to improve what art and talent I may have.
9) Ah, the last love. I find that I'm running out of things that I truly love, but this at least I can be sure in. I love all my friends. Hopefully, you know who you are, and can be blessed. Perhaps I am too tender, I love too easily, but it is no great fault after knowing many wonderful people, is it? My heart is big; it has room for many.
I am blessed in an abundance of love, for many people, places, things. You can probably see this, but I hope it can be an encouragement to you.
After all, love grows.
~Fumble
Ten Secrets
For lack of something more constant, I've decided to undertake this challenge: http://bloglovetherapy.blogspot.com/2012/10/10-day-you-challenge-seven-wants.html
It will probably be terribly fun, and I and others will enjoy it, but I shall only use it if I have nothing better to say.
Anyhow, for today is ten secrets.
Well, I don't really have that many secrets, I suppose. Then again, anything I say could be taken as a secret, if you don't know me all that well.
1) I dream of publishing books, and being one of those famous authors. Not the Stephanie Meyer kind - never - but the kind that writes a book that challenges all who read it. A C. S. Lewis type of person. Quotable. Someone who is remembered years from now because I said something wise. Perhaps even many somethings.
2) I desperately love stuffed animals. I have a wicker chest filled with them. Particularly sheep.
3) I also dream of being an amazing artist. I am so far from it at this point, but someday, I would like to create in the realm of the physical some of the beautiful pictures I have in my head.
4) I've composed a tune for Rue's song, in The Hunger Games. Perhaps someday I will record myself singing and playing it. Perhaps not.
5) Speaking of dreams, I have so many, I am afraid that most will never be fulfilled.
6) I want to live in Japan for a year, so I can experience all four seasons, and all the mini cultural tweaks that go with the year.
7) I would dearly love to be married right now, but I am not mature enough for it. I don't know enough to be a good wife. I shall need an adventurous husband, who loves God, myself, and can put up with all my odd tendencies.
8) I am one of those start-many-projects-finish-only-one people. Hence why this blog is only updated in fits and starts.
9) I speak to myself. With accents. And sing opera in the shower.
10) I am a pack rat, to some extent.
There. These may or may not be secrets to you, or they might be. Either way, you have just learned ten things about me.
Enjoy!
~Fumble
It will probably be terribly fun, and I and others will enjoy it, but I shall only use it if I have nothing better to say.
Anyhow, for today is ten secrets.
Well, I don't really have that many secrets, I suppose. Then again, anything I say could be taken as a secret, if you don't know me all that well.
1) I dream of publishing books, and being one of those famous authors. Not the Stephanie Meyer kind - never - but the kind that writes a book that challenges all who read it. A C. S. Lewis type of person. Quotable. Someone who is remembered years from now because I said something wise. Perhaps even many somethings.
2) I desperately love stuffed animals. I have a wicker chest filled with them. Particularly sheep.
3) I also dream of being an amazing artist. I am so far from it at this point, but someday, I would like to create in the realm of the physical some of the beautiful pictures I have in my head.
4) I've composed a tune for Rue's song, in The Hunger Games. Perhaps someday I will record myself singing and playing it. Perhaps not.
5) Speaking of dreams, I have so many, I am afraid that most will never be fulfilled.
6) I want to live in Japan for a year, so I can experience all four seasons, and all the mini cultural tweaks that go with the year.
7) I would dearly love to be married right now, but I am not mature enough for it. I don't know enough to be a good wife. I shall need an adventurous husband, who loves God, myself, and can put up with all my odd tendencies.
8) I am one of those start-many-projects-finish-only-one people. Hence why this blog is only updated in fits and starts.
9) I speak to myself. With accents. And sing opera in the shower.
10) I am a pack rat, to some extent.
There. These may or may not be secrets to you, or they might be. Either way, you have just learned ten things about me.
Enjoy!
~Fumble
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Fly
Soundtrack for today's post: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8D0vaiKq3TQ
Happiness. Seems like a dream, just about, doesn't it? I'm not sure about this all. I've already decided to wait on God for my own, so it would be a shame to give up so suddenly. Of course, I'm not really giving up. Not yet, at least. I'm not allowed to give up until I'm 35, right?
The only issue now is trust, isn't it? It's so easy to trust God in the now thing - daily bread and all that - but somehow it's difficult to trust in Him and entrust Him with all the tomorrows I have. He already knows what each day holds; is it really so hard to believe that He's got it all under control?
Well, for me, apparently, yes. Yes it is.
I think I'm getting a little better, though. I can smile back to the smile offered me, and think nothing of it. You see, I've found that I don't need to think 24-7 about that guy that gave me five seconds of his time. Oh, yes, the heart is so fickle, but I'm learning to have a thick skin, while still being soft inside. I'm learning not to read ridiculous things into harmless gestures. I'm learning that just because someone looks at me doesn't mean I have to respond. I don't have to sell myself short into that way of life again. You see, I know someone who knows it all. I don't have to guess what tomorrow will bring, or try to control how it will turn out. I don't have to do it on my own.
And you know what?
It's freeing.
~Fumble
Happiness. Seems like a dream, just about, doesn't it? I'm not sure about this all. I've already decided to wait on God for my own, so it would be a shame to give up so suddenly. Of course, I'm not really giving up. Not yet, at least. I'm not allowed to give up until I'm 35, right?
The only issue now is trust, isn't it? It's so easy to trust God in the now thing - daily bread and all that - but somehow it's difficult to trust in Him and entrust Him with all the tomorrows I have. He already knows what each day holds; is it really so hard to believe that He's got it all under control?
Well, for me, apparently, yes. Yes it is.
I think I'm getting a little better, though. I can smile back to the smile offered me, and think nothing of it. You see, I've found that I don't need to think 24-7 about that guy that gave me five seconds of his time. Oh, yes, the heart is so fickle, but I'm learning to have a thick skin, while still being soft inside. I'm learning not to read ridiculous things into harmless gestures. I'm learning that just because someone looks at me doesn't mean I have to respond. I don't have to sell myself short into that way of life again. You see, I know someone who knows it all. I don't have to guess what tomorrow will bring, or try to control how it will turn out. I don't have to do it on my own.
And you know what?
It's freeing.
~Fumble
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Bourne
Oh dear. I've done it again, haven't I? I've convinced myself that I'm worthless. Isn't that awful?
Only, this time, it's not for attention. I'm past that - I hope. I am so easily led to believe that my worth is tied into my performance. So easily convinced that how well I do is a reflection of the way God made me. I can't even live up to that, really; I can't do much right, can't honor Him much with my efforts, though I do earnestly try.
But that's the heart of it, isn't it? I can't.
I can't, but He can.
The rest of the struggle is simply my own, because I want to do something on my own - I want to be on my own, be independent, be my own person, carefree and riding the back of the wind.
The biggest lie is that I have to give that all up to do what He wants me to do - that there is no place for such things in my walk with Him. I may have to relinquish a thing, for a time, but every good and perfect gift comes from Him, right? Why can't I simply believe that He has good things in store for me? Why should it be so hard to believe Him, and so easy to believe everything else, including the worst of myself?
I tried, didn't I? And I didn't get an A+, so I must be worthless, right? How easily I fall down while trying to skate smoothly. How easily I skin my knees and elbows, trying to catch myself, and fall down. But my blood isn't the miracle His is. Mine is only an imitation, a shallow sham of His greatest gift. What should be a reminder is concealed behind layers of selfish hurt and pain. Oh yes, how selfish I am with these things. I never share, I never reveal, I only let them fester until, though no one can see them, the aroma dyes the air around me black and blue.
How easy it is to be lost within ourselves. How easy to never look up, to never watch the sun rise, to ignore its setting. How easy to forget that there is life beyond our skin.
And how pitiful is that? To miss out on the greatest adventure, because of a scrape, because we so believe we need a band-aid for an invisible wound that manifests in our hearts?
I need to grow up. Not to forget, not to forsake imagination, but to grow up, wake up, and open my eyes to the sky and the truth of the one who reigns in the ancient skies.
It's all or nothing.
~Fumble
Only, this time, it's not for attention. I'm past that - I hope. I am so easily led to believe that my worth is tied into my performance. So easily convinced that how well I do is a reflection of the way God made me. I can't even live up to that, really; I can't do much right, can't honor Him much with my efforts, though I do earnestly try.
But that's the heart of it, isn't it? I can't.
I can't, but He can.
The rest of the struggle is simply my own, because I want to do something on my own - I want to be on my own, be independent, be my own person, carefree and riding the back of the wind.
The biggest lie is that I have to give that all up to do what He wants me to do - that there is no place for such things in my walk with Him. I may have to relinquish a thing, for a time, but every good and perfect gift comes from Him, right? Why can't I simply believe that He has good things in store for me? Why should it be so hard to believe Him, and so easy to believe everything else, including the worst of myself?
I tried, didn't I? And I didn't get an A+, so I must be worthless, right? How easily I fall down while trying to skate smoothly. How easily I skin my knees and elbows, trying to catch myself, and fall down. But my blood isn't the miracle His is. Mine is only an imitation, a shallow sham of His greatest gift. What should be a reminder is concealed behind layers of selfish hurt and pain. Oh yes, how selfish I am with these things. I never share, I never reveal, I only let them fester until, though no one can see them, the aroma dyes the air around me black and blue.
How easy it is to be lost within ourselves. How easy to never look up, to never watch the sun rise, to ignore its setting. How easy to forget that there is life beyond our skin.
And how pitiful is that? To miss out on the greatest adventure, because of a scrape, because we so believe we need a band-aid for an invisible wound that manifests in our hearts?
I need to grow up. Not to forget, not to forsake imagination, but to grow up, wake up, and open my eyes to the sky and the truth of the one who reigns in the ancient skies.
It's all or nothing.
~Fumble
Sunday, September 23, 2012
My Redeemer Lives
There is a time for everything.
A time to be resigned, and a time to stand up and throw off the yoke of unfair blame.
Of course, now is not that time. I don't think I could ever be so unkind to someone. That's the problem with me...I'm rather good at resenting and telling a person off in my head, but I only very rarely will do so out loud. You can bet, though, when I do, that person had done something I consider very wrong, perhaps even unpardonable. Afterwards, though, I always feel like I'm a bad sport, and a rather rotten person. Just for telling someone they were being disrespectful? I am far too soft inside. I need to cultivate that thicker skin, I think.
But that's me, isn't it? I couldn't hold a grudge to save my life. Give me a night of rest, and whatever bothered me the day before has been forgotten. Certainly, I remember what has gone wrong, but I don't really have negative feeling about it any longer. If I have done something wrong, I simply end up resolved to repent and ask forgiveness, or whatever it may take. Sure, it's a little humiliating and humbling, but being a little disgruntled is a small price to pay for the freedom that comes when someone's forgiven you. You feel like nothing in the world could ever go wrong again.
It's a rather nice feeling. You know somewhere in the back of your mind that something bad will probably happen again, but you are so relieved with the release of tension and worry that you don't care about it for now. Yes, there will be more times of regret and guilt, but that is part of life - part of being a loverly human being. The important part is that we learn to rely on and trust God, and do what is right - not what is easy.
I'm rather tired, and I have a lot of school tomorrow morning, but I do have bright hopes for tomorrow. His mercies are new every morning, and so is my heart, I think.
Here's to a sweet, holy sleep.
~Fumble
A time to be resigned, and a time to stand up and throw off the yoke of unfair blame.
Of course, now is not that time. I don't think I could ever be so unkind to someone. That's the problem with me...I'm rather good at resenting and telling a person off in my head, but I only very rarely will do so out loud. You can bet, though, when I do, that person had done something I consider very wrong, perhaps even unpardonable. Afterwards, though, I always feel like I'm a bad sport, and a rather rotten person. Just for telling someone they were being disrespectful? I am far too soft inside. I need to cultivate that thicker skin, I think.
But that's me, isn't it? I couldn't hold a grudge to save my life. Give me a night of rest, and whatever bothered me the day before has been forgotten. Certainly, I remember what has gone wrong, but I don't really have negative feeling about it any longer. If I have done something wrong, I simply end up resolved to repent and ask forgiveness, or whatever it may take. Sure, it's a little humiliating and humbling, but being a little disgruntled is a small price to pay for the freedom that comes when someone's forgiven you. You feel like nothing in the world could ever go wrong again.
It's a rather nice feeling. You know somewhere in the back of your mind that something bad will probably happen again, but you are so relieved with the release of tension and worry that you don't care about it for now. Yes, there will be more times of regret and guilt, but that is part of life - part of being a loverly human being. The important part is that we learn to rely on and trust God, and do what is right - not what is easy.
I'm rather tired, and I have a lot of school tomorrow morning, but I do have bright hopes for tomorrow. His mercies are new every morning, and so is my heart, I think.
Here's to a sweet, holy sleep.
~Fumble
Saturday, September 22, 2012
The World's Doing Just Fine Without Me
Yesterday I posted about how quickly things seem to change. As if God's reply, some things did change. Not necessarily the things I wanted to change, and it wasn't my timing - but that isn't the point, is it?
To summarize, I was *fired* this morning. It wasn't a terrible affair, just my manager sitting down with me to explain why. I hadn't been picking things up quickly enough, and he needed someone who could be in the front of the store working, without needing help. So, he was letting me go, would call if he could use me in the future, and that was about it. It wasn't unkind, just factual. I didn't cry, and I doubt that I will. Before getting the job, while getting the job, and before going to see the manager this morning, I prayed that God's will would be done with this job. If He wanted me to keep it, he would make a way for me to do so. If not, that would become clear inherently.
I confess that I am disappointed, but mainly with myself. I feel as if I could have done better, but I'm not going to dwell on it for the rest of my life. In the end, I trust God. Implicitly. Perhaps senselessly, by this world's standards, but His is the one trust that I can be sure of. Only He is faithful.
So. I'm sad about losing the job, but I feel peace about it. I enjoyed the short time working there, and if nothing else, I learned enough that I could work at another place if I so desire, but I'm not going to desperately try to find another job. I don't blame the manager, and I really don't blame myself all that much. It was a first job, and I had never worked in that type of job before. Of course it was going to take me longer to learn. It's no one's fault.
Should I really be torn up and desolate over this? I might have lost a job, but I'm alive, aren't I? My family is in good health, I have a place to stay, and I'm in school, free of charge for this semester.
I am okay.
I can trust that God knows what is best for me, and I have already surrendered things into his hands. Now is the true hard part - waiting.
If nothing else, I have confidence in my God.
And, really, that is all I need.
Now, I just need to rest in that.
~Fumble
To summarize, I was *fired* this morning. It wasn't a terrible affair, just my manager sitting down with me to explain why. I hadn't been picking things up quickly enough, and he needed someone who could be in the front of the store working, without needing help. So, he was letting me go, would call if he could use me in the future, and that was about it. It wasn't unkind, just factual. I didn't cry, and I doubt that I will. Before getting the job, while getting the job, and before going to see the manager this morning, I prayed that God's will would be done with this job. If He wanted me to keep it, he would make a way for me to do so. If not, that would become clear inherently.
I confess that I am disappointed, but mainly with myself. I feel as if I could have done better, but I'm not going to dwell on it for the rest of my life. In the end, I trust God. Implicitly. Perhaps senselessly, by this world's standards, but His is the one trust that I can be sure of. Only He is faithful.
So. I'm sad about losing the job, but I feel peace about it. I enjoyed the short time working there, and if nothing else, I learned enough that I could work at another place if I so desire, but I'm not going to desperately try to find another job. I don't blame the manager, and I really don't blame myself all that much. It was a first job, and I had never worked in that type of job before. Of course it was going to take me longer to learn. It's no one's fault.
Should I really be torn up and desolate over this? I might have lost a job, but I'm alive, aren't I? My family is in good health, I have a place to stay, and I'm in school, free of charge for this semester.
I am okay.
I can trust that God knows what is best for me, and I have already surrendered things into his hands. Now is the true hard part - waiting.
If nothing else, I have confidence in my God.
And, really, that is all I need.
Now, I just need to rest in that.
~Fumble
Friday, September 21, 2012
A Life in His Hands
It's funny, isn't it? How quickly things can change. The little boy you loved and held is half grown, and away to places you still can't understand. Where did that tender heart go? Or is it only hiding? And that wonderful old friend you met again? Where are their hearts at now? What has changed, and what never will?
I wish I could just take their faces in my hands, look closely, and see it all, and perhaps even understand. I wish that by looking in their eyes, I could somehow bridge all the lost time between us, and that things could be sweet and young between us again, full of possibility.
The seasons of our life, how quickly they seem to change. I can never get used to the change, for though I'm hoping for the next season, as I believe I'm tired of the one that has been, I realize only too late that I'm not ready to let go and begin again. I keep forgetting that, though life springs anew each year, nothing is ever the same again. Those times that have gone will still be gone, only the memory is further away now and the ache a little less.
I dearly - perhaps too dearly - love so many people, and for things to change is heartrending. I break again and again, like the safety glass of the window in the college; a web of loving glass that has cracked, but refuses to be sharp lest someone get hurt. It is the greatest mercy that I have God, for to whom else could I cling? Who else would never change? If there is nothing else good coming of the turmoil of my heart, it is enough that I draw closer and closer to God my strength. I am certain that he is the only one who could hold my heart without having all the pieces fall apart.
I still long for those days past, where innocence was a way of life, not a question. I am a traitor to myself, as I have changed as well. I am not sure who this person is yet; I do not know where I am going. These dreams, desires, and deep thoughts are only half-formed; still clay in the hands of the Potter.
My only consolation is that I can trust His Hands.
~Fumble
I wish I could just take their faces in my hands, look closely, and see it all, and perhaps even understand. I wish that by looking in their eyes, I could somehow bridge all the lost time between us, and that things could be sweet and young between us again, full of possibility.
The seasons of our life, how quickly they seem to change. I can never get used to the change, for though I'm hoping for the next season, as I believe I'm tired of the one that has been, I realize only too late that I'm not ready to let go and begin again. I keep forgetting that, though life springs anew each year, nothing is ever the same again. Those times that have gone will still be gone, only the memory is further away now and the ache a little less.
I dearly - perhaps too dearly - love so many people, and for things to change is heartrending. I break again and again, like the safety glass of the window in the college; a web of loving glass that has cracked, but refuses to be sharp lest someone get hurt. It is the greatest mercy that I have God, for to whom else could I cling? Who else would never change? If there is nothing else good coming of the turmoil of my heart, it is enough that I draw closer and closer to God my strength. I am certain that he is the only one who could hold my heart without having all the pieces fall apart.
I still long for those days past, where innocence was a way of life, not a question. I am a traitor to myself, as I have changed as well. I am not sure who this person is yet; I do not know where I am going. These dreams, desires, and deep thoughts are only half-formed; still clay in the hands of the Potter.
My only consolation is that I can trust His Hands.
~Fumble
Monday, June 11, 2012
Mulled Cider - Or Is It?
Oh dear. It's one of those times again, isn't it?
You know, the times where you finish looking at someone else's photos, or reading some else's story, and you despair that your own life is woefully and inadequately interesting. Or, what happens more often in my case, you envy their happiness, because you never had a chance to be part of it. Somewhere along the line, I got the idea that if I could be part of someone's life, they were supposed to make it so I could be there with them.
Yes, I'm a bad person. I know that a thousand times over. Like most human beings, I am very selfish, self-seeking, and ignorant. The curse of the race, right? Only, it's not quite in the same fashion. You see, I enjoy seeing the happiness of others. I get joy from looking at the beauty and color and liveliness and friendship that others get to experience. I love it.
I love it a little too much, as it turns out.
You see, I enjoy it for the first half, then the regrets that plague my mind set in. I regret that I wasn't there to share in the happiness someone else took part in. I regret my life, because I've never been a conventional person; I was never one of the kids with a bunch of friends, or even the kid with a couple of best friends. I didn't have that kinship to share in. I had no bosom friend, if you want to think in terms of Anne of Green Gables. I don't have the pictures, the stories, the memories of sleepovers or birthday parties. I don't have the wild escapades to detail and exaggerate and share, then laugh over for the rest of my life.
I didn't have that kind of childhood. And, as that was the case and there was nothing I could do about it, I turned to books. Literature that gave me a window into what it was supposed to be like for little girls and teenagers who lived in nice neighborhoods and had others their age all around them that they could be friends with. When you're growing up in the U of M area, and you just so happen to be female, you're already limited beyond belief. Not to mention that most of the neighbors are older folk with their children long gone, or college-age people who party until late in the night and never show their faces otherwise. You must understand this. For a girl to grow up and be "best friends" with the older lady and her husband next door...surely this gives you an idea of my desperation.
You will understand, then, why books became my refuge, and why they still mean so much to me. Certainly, as I got older, there were some other children; I went to a church, so there were a select few others that I was able to befriend, but seeing someone every Sunday morning for a couple of hours, then going right home isn't enough. Anyone could tell you that.
I won't blame anyone. That would be opening a can of worms I'd rather save for my deathbed, when I need to get away and fish one last time before I see true glory. It is better now, as I am older and (hopefully) more mature.
But, as you now have a brief notion of where I come from, surely you understand a little of my jealousy. I see the pictures others have, and I envy that which could have been mine.
I also grieve the loss of a life I have never - will never - know. I don't have carefree days. But that's a story for another time.
Huh.
It's funny how now, when I look back over what has been and, being who I am, brood and sorrow over the past, I begin to see in my past the hand of a mighty Person. You see, me being irrevocably who He made me to be, I wouldn't have what I have with Him now. God only knows my past - the truth of the matter, so to speak - and He's the only one I can think of to trust with my future.
Yeah. I'm not conventional. God made me to be different. I am beginning to see that even in my tendency to mull over things and grieve for myself, His hand is at work.
I don't have all the pieces. I doubt I ever will. But they're resting in the hands of a Someone who cares infinitely about how they will fit together - just so, and unlike anyone else's.
I think I can live with that.
Without envy, and without regret.
~Fumble
Saturday, May 26, 2012
A Mind is a Terrible Thing to Waste
With great knowledge comes great responsibility. And terror. And helplessness, foolishness, and terrible uncertainty as well. Oh yes, and there's a bit of power involved, too.
You see, there's a bit more to that quote(or twistation of a quote...I just write these things as they come) then you see. You know, because you have to read between the lines? Or the letters? Or just make up the first thing that comes to mind and forever associate something meaningless to something that should have great meaning, because you were young and foolish? Or, you could write run-on sentences like I do, and ramble about until you reach some sort of conclusion about something in your life.
No, this time, I am sadly serious. Morbidly, in fact. Those who know have the greatest burden of all, and I am afraid that I am beginning to understand it. You see, it is a privilege to know, but also a great curse as well. You begin to understand things about people, and your view of them changes. If you're not careful, the relationship breaks - all because you know something. You see, when we know the problems of others, it becomes far too easy to wonder why they have so many problems, and wonder why it must be so complicated. I begin to wonder why they have so many troubles in comparison to me, as my life suddenly seems perfect next to theirs. But, of course, it doesn't really work that way. We only gain perspective, as twisted as it might be, by viewing others through our rose-colored glasses.(Though I myself fancy I view others through grass-colored glasses; they're cheaper. Depression Era glass!)
Then, as we view those around us, we begin to know them. This happens especially as we grow up and revelations of things that have happened in our childhood come upon us. For instance, today I realized that an incident in my childhood might not have been my fault. In a class which I enjoyed, I suppose the teacher thought I was getting a little too high up - helping the others and so on. She had me sit out for a time, which was the ultimate shame. No one ever sat for a timeout until they had done something dreadful. I, being a normal child, thought it was my fault, and commenced to become the model(Or close to model, I guess. I don't tend toward perfection, as the second law of Maryodynamics states.) student, and do all things right, and never, ever seek to usurp the teacher's role in the classroom.
Lo and behold today, as I was talking with my mother about the teacher, she revealed something that she had noticed about the teacher - the fact that she was a bit of a control freak. (Enter ray of sunshine hitting me face, light bulb effect, all that wonderful stuff) I realized that I might have been simply trying to help, and not be a "teacher", and that she probably overreacted. An adult made a mistake, and I suffered. What a revelation!
Why? Because, as a child, you believe that adults are perfect, especially Mother and Father. They are always right, and if you are punished, it is probably because you did something wrong. Not them. They are NEVER at fault. That goes against the rules of a child's heart, as their minds are not functional in that sort of way at that time. Oh, certainly the child will harbor resentment toward the adult, but the truth of the matter is, they will nearly always assign blame to themselves. At least, I would. Perhaps I was an abnormal child, but I don't fancy myself that way, so I don't think so.
It is perhaps one of the biggest surprises in growing up, in beginning to view parents as respected older ones, and not as absolute gods. You see things, gain knowledge. Then, one day, you come to the horrible realization that your parents, however amazing they might be, are not perfect. In fact, they are far from it. It becomes hard, then, because you must view your parents as people, not some higher being you styled them as in your mind.
After that, all sorts of knowledge comes, and with that knowledge come a series of hard choices. These are the teenage years, and they are difficult. One is becoming the person they will be for perhaps the rest of their lives. And these years are riddled with discomfort and painful truths.
I suppose it's a wonder we all don't have more problems, but as one who sees through grass-colored glasses, I try desperately not to judge. I do not want to be judged - or worse, known - as I am, but more as I want to become. It is never too late to change, and God knows that better than I ever will.
So, after all, I am safe in the knowledge that God knows it all. If He can handle all that and still manage to be my heavenly Father, then I think I can trust him with the things I know, whether I'd rather know them or not.
Who else could I go to? Who else would even understand?
Yeah. I know.
~Fumble
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