Bourne

Oh dear.  I've done it again, haven't I?  I've convinced myself that I'm worthless.  Isn't that awful?

Only, this time, it's not for attention.  I'm past that - I hope.  I am so easily led to believe that my worth is tied into my performance.  So easily convinced that how well I do is a reflection of the way God made me.  I can't even live up to that, really; I can't do much right, can't honor Him much with my efforts, though I do earnestly try.

But that's the heart of it, isn't it?  I can't.

I can't, but He can.

The rest of the struggle is simply my own, because I want to do something on my own - I want to be on my own, be independent, be my own person, carefree and riding the back of the wind.

The biggest lie is that I have to give that all up to do what He wants me to do - that there is no place for such things in my walk with Him.  I may have to relinquish a thing, for a time, but every good and perfect gift comes from Him, right?  Why can't I simply believe that He has good things in store for me?  Why should it be so hard to believe Him, and so easy to believe everything else, including the worst of myself?

I tried, didn't I?  And I didn't get an A+, so I must be worthless, right?  How easily I fall down while trying to skate smoothly.  How easily I skin my knees and elbows, trying to catch myself, and fall down.  But my blood isn't the miracle His is.  Mine is only an imitation, a shallow sham of His greatest gift.  What should be a reminder is concealed behind layers of selfish hurt and pain.  Oh yes, how selfish I am with these things.  I never share, I never reveal, I only let them fester until, though no one can see them, the aroma dyes the air around me black and blue.

How easy it is to be lost within ourselves.  How easy to never look up, to never watch the sun rise, to ignore its setting.  How easy to forget that there is life beyond our skin.

And how pitiful is that?  To miss out on the greatest adventure, because of a scrape, because we so believe we need a band-aid for an invisible wound that manifests in our hearts?

I need to grow up.  Not to forget, not to forsake imagination, but to grow up, wake up, and open my eyes to the sky and the truth of the one who reigns in the ancient skies.

It's all or nothing.

~Fumble