Safety

Hopeless.

It's a feeling that's become all too familiar to me...one I live with daily. I try to make things right, but it seems my effort is wasted. Or, rather, it's not wasted, it just causes things to move in the opposite direction.

Ever been in a situation you know you can't get out of? Then you'll know exactly how I feel right now. I feel literally and figuratively trapped. It's not a pleasant feeling...

Hopeless. Helpless.

No matter what I am right now, it's "less". School will start in a few weeks, and I will be able to escape through that, at least a little. And I don't have to agree to anything - the only contact will be the inevitable, and it doesn't have to be that much.

Don't hate me for wanting to back out of this. If friendship is all about being the same and doing the same things and depending so heavily on the other person that if one of you goes down, the other follows, then I refuse to have friendship. If that is how it is "supposed" to be, then I sincerely hate it. I will run away and hide.

Why?

Because I can't deal with it, truthfully. Every attempt drives me further back, cuts me away. There are much better ways to spend sleepless nights. I can't handle it, and I know it full well.

I've had to be very good at hiding. If you're good at hiding, then so-called "relationships" cannot hurt you. You simply don't get close enough for it. It's kept me safe all my life, if a tad lonely.

But I can deal with lonely. I'd much rather have no close relationships if they had to be so close they cause asphyxiation. I can walk my path alone, and never have any regrets.

I can stand loneliness so long as I'm safe.

~Fumble