Ahoy There!

The beginning of another semester of school...it's exciting, but a little terrifying, too. There's so much work to do over the course, and just looking at the sheer amount is scary, but I know the days will go by quickly, and before I know it, I'll be at finals week.

I still have so much to do before then, though. And not just school things - amazing as it seems, there is life outside of school. There are different things I have to sort through; relationships, my bookshelf, my drawers...I have to go through and throw away what I once held dear. It's a hard thing to do, at least for me, because there are so many memories surrounding even the most insignificant thing. I suppose I'm very sentimental, even for a girl. I have things from nearly a decade ago, and I do hate to see them go - but it's part of walking into the future. One cannot forget the past, with all its triumphs and mistakes, but neither can one forever dwell there. Despite my dislike of change, I do want to walk forward into the future, whatever it may hold for me. I have a Blessed Assurance, but there is still a path to walk, and I quite obviously can't see where it leads.

I have dreams and hopes, and I can only "hope" that the future includes these. I want to be an author, so I'll go into some kind of English, and possibly get a teaching degree, but...I have hopes of marriage in the relatively near future. I don't obsess over it, as that is not a wholesome thing, but I don't completely ignore it either.

However, I won't go on about that - it's best to be kept to myself, lest it goes out of control. Unfortunately, that happens all too easily, but...again, I won't dwell on it.

For the next eighteen weeks, though...homework ahoy!

~Fumble

Achingly Beautiful, But Bruised And Bleeding All The Same

Why is something achingly beautiful? Well, usually beauty is associated with perfection, to some extent. Perfection is unattainable and thus, so is beauty. Is that the whole truth of the matter, though? I can look at a picture of some beautiful scene in nature, and have an ache inside - because I will never have a chance to know that place, or to experience the beauty firsthand. Pictures help a little, but oftentimes, I find that pictures only increase the ache, and remind me how far away I am from them. To me, things that are achingly beautiful are things I know I cannot have, things I can't compare to.

"Achingly" implies that there is something painful in the beauty, and rightly so. There is music that haunts me, that evades me, hovering in my mind one moment, then gone the next. There is love that tears at my heart; there is joy that I can only envy.

I like to think that there are things I can do that nullify this ache, or at least dull it a little. This is an untruth, an attempt to protect what is already scabbed over. It works, as long as there is something to do, but once I find my hands empty and my work gone, the ache starts to wear away at my heart once more. I'm so very weary of pain, so sick of the ache. At least physical pain is finite, but emotional, mental pain...it lasts the test of time, refuses to mend, and recoils from any attempt to heal.

I suppose, in a way, it's an endlessly bleeding heart - something only soothed, momentarily, by being understood. There is so much of me that is misunderstood, or in hiding...

I suppose you could say that I'm at a low point, but the truth of the matter is, I'm only sore.

Achingly so.

~Fumble

A New Year, Agonies And All

They tell us to make resolutions for the new year - in the hope that things will change, lives will change.

I suppose I've never really seen the point - sure, it's fun for a short while, but...ultimately any resolution made fails.

However, it's the trying that's important - wholehearted trying, that is. And so, thus, I shall write down my tries - and hopefully there will be some measure of success this year.

Firstly, I'd like to write more - and not just fanfiction, or short drabbles. I have three unfinished novels, and two written down that need to be revised and revamped - majorly. I want to write more poetry, and compose words to the music inside my head - I have songs, they only lack words, though not meaning.

I'd like to sing more, get better and more devoted to the piano, and possibly even start learning another instrument - violin or flute are most likely.

I want to do more - physically, I'd like to get into shape, and get my diet(not in the starving oneself sense of the word) in order. I want to get good at karate this semester, and be able to use it.

I want to get A's in all my classes, both this spring and in the fall. I want to get scholarships for school, and get that taken care of. I want to figure out what I'm doing next with school. I want a job.

I want to grow a thicker skin, but keep a tender heart. I hurt easily, even when no hurt is intended. I'd like to see an end of that - I'd rather not spend my life being continually hurt; or, if so, then hurting only from things that matter, not small, pointless things.

I want to be a better person; I want to read my Bible daily, and faithfully. I want to hear words from God, and be able to share them. I want to be a worship and youth leader that hears His heart, and responds accordingly. I want to be a good friend - not a complacent, crappy one. I want to have friends that I can speak my mind to, and not be afraid of rejection, or of hurting them. I want friends that aren't so self-centered that they pay no attention to my feelings, my thoughts.

I'd really, really like to get closer to many people - I'm still kind of an outsider. I can still live in a crowd and be completely untouched. I'd like to see an end of that as well.

I'd like to be less self-centered, myself. I want to be a better listener, to understand more, to communicate better. I want to learn to devote myself to things, and to have the courage to press on and push through things. I want to be brave; I want to do things I've never done before, try new things, reach new heights.

I want God to be more visible in my life; I want to give Him my time, my heart, the only things I possess worth giving to Him.

I want to be less concerned about my image, and how people see me. I want to be true to myself, while being willing to give up things of the past and accept what God has in store for me.

I want to please God - I really do. I want to be a Daughter that He can be proud of, and grow into the inheritance He has for me.

I want to fly on the wings my Father has given me.

It seems like there is no conclusion to the things that I wish, the things that I want to resolve to do. I'll print this off, and keep a list to add to, and read it occasionally. May God help me through this year, when I'm stepping into being an adult, and having many more burdens and responsibilities laid on me.

May He walk beside me, behind me, ahead of me, and surround me with His presence.

~Fumble