Dodge

The reason we seclude ourselves - it's really because it is safer then being out in the open, then wearing our hearts on our sleeves. Granted, not everyone experiences things as deeply as I do, but...I hurt so very easily. I had to learn how to protect my own heart, and the best way was to cloister myself. It wasn't hard - after all, once you become an outsider, you forever gravitate toward that side of the fence. It's just easier, that's all - to be anonymous is to be safe.

I've learnt so very much about myself, and yet I realize over and over I have a long ways to go. If only it was as easy as driving through a rainstorm, dodging raindrops...

Of course, I'd love to make this post long-winded, but the truth is that I'm far too often lost for words. This is all that makes sense, at the moment, and I'd rather not bear what I newly understand to everyone. Doubtless I would be judged by those who know me, and it wouldn't end well. I'm not so afraid of the judgement, only the forever distaste they have for me afterward. Yes, I act differently, I don't always make the best decisions - but did you ever wonder about the person behind the mistake?

I didn't think so, either.

Is that enough to think on? Is it enough to make a small change, enough of a butterfly wing-flap to make a difference somewhere else?

I reverently, dearly hope so.

~Fumble

These Worldly Vain Affections

I know it's selfish...and yet I can't help wanting your time, your attention.

I see how you have a big heart - how you care for so many people. It's not a bad thing...I'm like that, too, only I wanted so much more from you. I wanted to be cared for, as you care for others. Even if I don't have a terrible past, or a great testimony, I wanted to be loved as someone who has experienced the depth of the hell that is the world, and is on the way up, by God's grace.

I wanted to be loved as someone who never knew that love before, and now is finally experiencing it for the first time. As someone who was broken. Going through the depravity of life, then understanding what I was missing all along - that is what I want to know, what I want you to know.

But that's not how it works.

And I'll never tell you so, because I so desperately want you to see me as unselfish.

I'll keep all these thoughts, because they are so selfish. These self-seeking dreams...

It's still missing, though.

~Fumble