It's a hard thing, to know that you set yourself up for disappointment, time after time - and to know that you are disappointing. I dream my impossible dreams, and find myself in the midst of the fragrance of crushed hope. You might wonder why I even bother dreaming, and I would have to wonder along with you. There is little hope in dreams - but I cannot forsake what I know my heart to long for. To dream for something is to, for a short moment, have that thing, if only in your mind. So, even if dreaming is only for a moment, I will keep on.
Perhaps you would understand my obsession with dreaming if you knew how much a part of me it was. For a period of time - perhaps a year - I lived to dream. My days were monotonous and long, and my only escape was to dream. So, I would survive the day, and hasten to sleep. At that time in my life, dreaming was better than being aware - because awareness hurts. Awareness reminds us of our faults, hits us in a place that hurts beyond other hurts. I don't desire to be perfect...but to be good? Even at one, small thing, to outshine others? It's a hope that will forever be crushed. Hope is irrational. So is dreaming.
But I won't wake from the dream - even if disappointment is all I find - because to dream...to hope...this is all I know.
"For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently."
~Romans 8:24-25
Yes, hope can be disappointed, time and time again. Hope can grow faint - but it is still hope. So I will continue to aspire to hope, hope to dream, dream to aspire. Why? Because I want to wake up and find that reality is better than my dreams.
~Fumble
Monday, October 10, 2011
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