A Pearl: Questionable Value or Infinite Worth?

And what do we have for today?  A world-shattering revelation?  Perhaps a cure for cancer?  A hope to surpass all hopes?  A new presidential candidate, namely me?

Well, no.  Not exactly.  Not even possibly.  I mean, God is the hope to surpass all hopes, that's for sure, but I ran out of all the rest a while ago.  I had something I thought would be wonderful and encouraging to share, but I acquired the human condition and forgot what it was.  There's nothing quite so haunting as losing an idea.  Somewhere, faintly, you have a recollection that it was as close to the perfect idea as you've ever gotten, and that you need to remember it, need to share it, but it stays on the edge of the tide, beyond the waves, and never comes any closer.  Nothing is left but a whisper of a dream, an itching sensation that never gets scratched.  It's heartbreaking, in a tiny sense.  Disappointing, though, more than anything.

That's the name of the game, isn't it?  Disappointment.  All the things you've wanted to accomplish, the ideas that still need to be realized, the stories that need to be written.  The characters that are pounding on the inside of your skull, reminding you constantly that they haven't been birthed yet, that they're getting a bit old for this nine-month thing, that they're overdue, and it's dangerous when that happens.  And then the prose - oh, yes, the prose - that coils around everything like a solitary grapevine, flourishing until it's uprooted by someone who doesn't realize that it wasn't a mistake, that it was meant to be there.  Only, now it's too late, because it needed another year before it could bear fruit.

Oh, and while we're at it, let's add that I want two hours a day to study the Word, two uninterrupted hours, as well as about half an hour to an hour to pray, and the same to worship.  Yes, let's just subtract them from the eight reserved for sleeping.  Who needs sleep anymore, anyway?  With all our technology and medicines, we should have found a remedy for exhaustion and sleepiness by now; it's just one of those nice commodities for rich people, right?  Or, maybe, let's just give those four hours to video games, movies, entertainment, entertainment, and maybe some entertainment; that gives better instant gratification than the Bible does, doesn't it?

Why, oh why, can't my will be as strong with what is right as with what feels good at the time?  Can't I transfer the half-hour's worth of conviction to my daily life, so I could put it to some good use, changing some useless facet of my life into something new and delicate, that promises to grow into a beautiful tree?  But no, no, it would be too easy that way.  I've got to be independent and struggle at it, until I'm sure that there really isn't any way to do it on my own power, and then I'll beg God for help.  Always the last resort, always my last bower.

And the shameful thing is knowing that I have made it so.  And it isn't even so much as what I have done with my life.  It's what I haven't done with it.  The words I haven't said, the thanks and compliments I haven't given, the awkward moments I haven't broken by simply being that which I have been blessed with: a friend.  It is the hours(110 of them, plus about 43 minutes) I have spent gaming, isolating myself from the sunshine, the countless movies used as a halfhearted attempt to soothe the loneliness of living in an American Utopia, the numerous books I have devoured, as if the words could somehow regenerate my creativity.

I'll have you know, it doesn't work.  Oh, certainly, it's nice to kick back and relax for a while, but after a while, it drains more from you than even the everyday bothers.  If only I could tell the me of two weeks ago to spend spring break wisely, and to make it count.  But, I digress; it doesn't work that way.

The truth is, it is a vicious cycle.  I don't read the Word and pray because life has drained me, but I hook myself up to leeches that make me even more tired and dejected, then try to run another day's race with less energy than before.  It would be as funny as a hamster forever running on its wheel if it weren't for the sad fact that it is me.  Vanity, vanity; all is vanity.  That doesn't just mean the time women spend on appearance and youthfulness.  It means that life is vanity, that without the Lord in every aspect of my life, it isn't worth living.  It isn't even worth doing my best at what I'm doing, because there's no one to honor with my hard work, only the paltry accolades I gain with the smallest amount of effort possible.

So you see, really, God is not only the hope to surpass all other hopes, he is the only hope.  He is the only shelter that won't submit to entropy, that can offer warmth and life and joy for what is such a tiny price: my love, obedience, honor, time, attention; in short, my life.  But isn't it worth it?  Isn't it so very, very worth it, for all my life, to infinity, eternity, and so much further beyond to be His?  It is my widow's two pennies, all that I can give that is of worth.  God could take it, yes, but isn't the point of a gift that it is given, free of coercion and grudge?  I am amazed that He wants all of me, whatever little that is.

Amazed, and more grateful than I can express.

After all, I've got to lose my life if I'd like any hope at all of gaining it.

But you know, after I've lost it for Him, I'm not so concerned with gaining it again.  I like it where it is.

In His hands.

~Fumble

Five Foods for Thought

Jealous?  Me?  Never.  What would I be jealous of?

Nothing whatever!  In Queen of Hearts fashion!

At any rate, here's the big five.

1) I greatly enjoy Sweet'n'Sour Chicken, courtesy of Rose Garden.  If you've never been to their place, you're missing out on some of the very best Chinese food ever, especially since this is at a low price and great quality.  Visit 'em, peeps!

2) My mom's homemade Chicken Adobo, with a bunch of extra garlic.  I could eat the garlic out of it an that alone, as it tastes that savory.  Also, who wouldn't like a dish that's so salty it doesn't go bad when you leave it out? =D (I promise that is one of a desolately small number of smileys/emoticons you will see on my blog.  My blag.  Whatever you'd prefer to call it.  Writing shouldn't need them to express emotion, hence my lack of using them.  However, with food, it's hard to express quite how much I like it.  Eh, I'll work on it.)

3) Coffeecake.  'Nuff said.  It doesn't really matter what kind, it's good.

4) Also, scones.  Any kind is tasty, any kind is delectable and acceptable to me.

5) Dang, it's hard to keep it to only five.  I have so many favorite foods.  Considering everything I could put in here, though...I'd say I would have to go with a good chocolate-dipped Dairy Queen's ice cream cone.  Delish!

And there we have five foods.  Though, there's so much variety out there, I'm sure I have favorite foods I haven't even discovered yet.  At any rate, I will call these my favorite foods for today and leave it at that.

As for jealousy...it's a rotten thing to deal with.  If only I could put it to death with a solid rubber mallet, but of course not; that would be too easy.  Oh, Lord, save me from letting myself be controlled by feelings.  They're not words, they're not all we have to go on, and there is a better way.  If only I could discover it, eh?  And, honestly, there's no need to be jealous.  Why should I be jealous of someone else's happiness?  I'd rather be jealous for their happiness, to guard it, to keep it and treasure it as the precious thing it is.  That way, it'd be a constructive outlet for jealous, don't you think?

It's alright for now, though.  God knows that I'm still a me in the works, and thank Him that I'm not God - I probably would have struck me dead by now out of pure frustration.

And that's all for now, folks.

Cheerio, toodles, give us a squatch, and good night to all!

~Fumble

Melancholy Shades of Greens and Oranges

Soundtrack(s): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yd3FX37mBt8 then http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uCydQm83cJQ

Look at me, posting again in one day!  I'm getting good, right?

Actually...perhaps not.  I just happen to have thing better to do that I can force myself to do right this time.  Also, I finished a wonderful preteen's fantasy novel, and realized how good it really was...you don't tend to find very good fiction in the teen section anymore(or, at least, I don't).  It's all black and vampires and werewolves, and maybe a few fallen angels amongst the ruins.  I'm pretty tired of it, so I don't tend to look there as much anymore.  Preteen section is safer, and honestly, I find they have better stories in terms of romance.  Yeah, it's still there to some extent, but it's actually palatable, instead of disgustingly central to the story.  It's still fairly hard to find.  Maybe I'll do some sort of book-a-month sort of thing.  Or, I just may write it down after I read it...y'know, when I get the drive to.  Heh.  Yeah.  Drive.

Or I could just do it now!  Beat the loneliness and daydreamer's depression beasties, and write up a book review!  Are you ready?  Here it comes!

The Waterstone ~ Rebecca Rupp

A sort of coming-of-age story about a young boy, Tad.  He hears a strange, terrifying voice, and water starts to disappear from his pond and surrounding the forest.  He, his father, Pondleweed, and his sister, Birdie, set out to find why this is, if it is happening elsewhere, and if so, then why and what they can do about it.  Thus a journey is started.  Along the way, Tad makes many friends and grows up a bit, too; he learns that life isn't always what you want it to be, but you keep going, you press through, and eventually there will be a sunny day, a good day.  I won't tell you the rest, since that would spoil it, but it's got a clean rating from me - no sex, no swearing(unless you consider "fish pee" etc. swearing), and minimal romance(honestly, it's just the boy commenting on how pretty a girl is, that's about it).  Yeah, it's a preteen novel, so your children would enjoy it, but I quite liked it as well.  It's refreshing, and perfectly paced; not too fast, not too slow.  It has some very good themes, but is relatively down-to-earth for a fantasy novel.  One of my personal favorites for the last few years, since I first read it.  I'd recommend it for all ages.

There, see?  I went and did it.  Good for me, huzzah and all that.  I even have a soundtrack for it.  It's funny, I was originally going to post something on how depressed(not truly depressed, more like melancholy) I was after finishing a good book, and needing somehow to play or write it out, but it helped me more to just accept that the story's done for now, and yeah, there were losses in it, but it was good while it lasted.  To go through life forever thinking that no matter what you're doing, it's going to end eventually is a rotten way to live; where's the fun in it?  So yes, I went outside my self-imposed box and did something a bit different.

You know what?

It was okay.  And I'll be okay, too.  I'm not torn up inside, I'm not broken(just a little cracked, perhaps), and I've got Jesus.  It's enough.

In fact, it will always be enough.

~Fumble

Six Places

Oh, I'm getting better at this all the time; it's only been two or three months since my last post.  And I'll even finish this!

Motivation is a hard thing to live without, and I'm learning it again and again.  How many times will it take, living on the edge, making last-minute deadlines?  Well, perhaps it's not quite that bad, but procrastination is not a good thing to have to deal with.  If only I weren't somehow so in love with the rush of adrenaline that doing something the night before gives...well, I shall work on it.

Anyhow...six places!

1) Japan.  For a year.  I want to see all the seasons, experience everything I can, then have a good homecoming.  It's even looking possible, too, once I finish my 4-year degree.  I can get a job teaching English, and the rest would follow.  The main thing would be for me to get the money to fly there.  It's kind of scary when something that's just been a hazy dream begins to be able to be realized.

2) South America.  All over; all the beautiful places, the rainforest, everything.  I want to see it, firstly because it's beautiful, secondly because I want to see more of the things that God has created, and thirdly, I'd kind of like to get to know the people better.

3) Europe.  Particularly Britain, France and Spain, and Germany, Austria, and Switzerland.  They're all beautiful places, and I would travel them all, having a grand adventure and learning while I went.

4) Believe it or not...Russia.  They've got some lovely stuff, even if it is a bit chilly at times.

5) Israel.  Holy land.  'Nuff said.

6) Besides everywhere else, you mean?  Canada.  Specifically Prince Edward Island.  In the fall.  Heck, probably another year so I can see all the seasons, and get just the right amount of homesick and be grateful for my own home.

I'd like to travel many, many places.  God only knows if I'll get to see them or not, but I can dream, can't I?

If not in this life, then for sure in the New Heaven and Earth.

~Fumble