Far Away Places

Why do I somehow think that people are interested in my life and my thoughts? I mean, I can't get off saying they don't have value, or I'm some sort of emo-drown-in-my-sadness-worthlessness person...but I can't really say that anyone other than myself, perhaps, sees any value in what I say. That, or the people who are seeing something simply refuse to talk. Ah well...

I've had many, many thoughts lately...there's no way I'll be able to fit all of them in a single blog post, the the point of my having a blog is sharing what I think when I think it's time to share it. I write down notes of what I'm thinking, so if I'm at a loss of what to talk about, I can always pull out my notes and make a post from that.

Funny, isn't it, how life seems to fly by when you're trying your hardest to take things slowly? I really, really want my summer to feel a lot longer, but the problem is, if I try to accomplish things, it'll go even faster, so I'm actually better off not trying...but where's the fun in that? Besides, if I'm not trying, I'd end up working without pay or something. I do enjoy working, but...it depends.

Wow. This is post number eighteen, and it's June. I've been posting for roughly two months, and fairly regularly. I'm proud of myself. Yes, it's only a small thing, but...I've got to be proud of something, no?

Here's a little something I wrote:

He's at a place I can't match...

Awe. Confusion. Longing. Loneliness. Jealousy...unwilling jealousy...a tad of sadness.

I want that.

No matter what I do, I can't catch up. I look at you and see a place I have yet to come to. It's very uncomfortable, very disconcerting...because I want to be there, to be with you...but it's not going to happen. What I feel, what I think, what I understand...it's not enough. And it never will be.

I feel rather alone. Not an unfamiliar feeling, but not necessarily a "good" one.

My thoughts on some things that have happened to a friend...I'm rather jealous of the place he's at with God, as it's a place I'd like to be, but...I don't completely understand myself yet, and I know it's not for me right now. I still can't help feeling this way, though. Happy, yet longing for something tangible, such as that.

It's not a very comforting emotion, jealousy...and it really isn't worth the guilt it brings.

I guess I still have some habits to break.

~Fumble