These Worldly Vain Affections

I know it's selfish...and yet I can't help wanting your time, your attention.

I see how you have a big heart - how you care for so many people. It's not a bad thing...I'm like that, too, only I wanted so much more from you. I wanted to be cared for, as you care for others. Even if I don't have a terrible past, or a great testimony, I wanted to be loved as someone who has experienced the depth of the hell that is the world, and is on the way up, by God's grace.

I wanted to be loved as someone who never knew that love before, and now is finally experiencing it for the first time. As someone who was broken. Going through the depravity of life, then understanding what I was missing all along - that is what I want to know, what I want you to know.

But that's not how it works.

And I'll never tell you so, because I so desperately want you to see me as unselfish.

I'll keep all these thoughts, because they are so selfish. These self-seeking dreams...

It's still missing, though.

~Fumble