Unforgivable

Is it really so wrong to feel like I don't belong anywhere? I've never had any truly close friends...no one I could say would die for me, though I might feel that way about someone. I am finding myself severely confused, and an outsider; just that person lurking on the edge of the photo that you don't notice.

Yeah, that one girl...can't even remember her name. Doesn't matter anyway; she was nothing special. If anything, she was annoying; always laughing and hyper; probably one of the more immature people out there. She refuses to grow up; she doesn't understand how to be adult; she's stuck in Neverland, waiting for someone who will never show up.

I've never felt at ease when doing things; there was always the time when it would end looming over me, destroying any fake fun I was pretending to have. Why? Because when it's all over and done with, I'll be the one standing alone, crawling alone, living alone, while everyone else has their sunny lives to live, full of people who they can trust, people who understand them. I can say I'm glad that everyone has that - God forbid they should be cursed like me - but I know I'll never own such a luxury. While everyone is out enjoying the sunlight, I'm stuck on overcast, swathed by a moody, gloomy day, the type that you live through, sleep, and wake to the same thing, one more time over.

Is it so wrong to dream of something more? Is it such a terrible sin to wish for someone to love, to share dreams, hopes, fears, and joy with? Is it a crime to want to be needed by someone, and to need them in return? Is it wrong to want to be held? I find myself aching for a pair of arms, a person I have never known; someone I'm dying to meet, so I can finally live with them. How can I stand loving that person which I have yet to meet? Every day lived out in the hope that I will find them, and know and understand when I do?

...Is it so terrible to want to be loved for just being myself, and not putting on the act that society demands? After so many years...I don't know what "myself" is anymore. It's too deep within; chained to the bottom of a riverbed, undisturbed, unknown...

That girl I remember - so faintly - from days of sun and happiness and yellow warmth...Is it wrong to long to know who she was?

~Overcast