The reason we seclude ourselves - it's really because it is safer then being out in the open, then wearing our hearts on our sleeves. Granted, not everyone experiences things as deeply as I do, but...I hurt so very easily. I had to learn how to protect my own heart, and the best way was to cloister myself. It wasn't hard - after all, once you become an outsider, you forever gravitate toward that side of the fence. It's just easier, that's all - to be anonymous is to be safe.
I've learnt so very much about myself, and yet I realize over and over I have a long ways to go. If only it was as easy as driving through a rainstorm, dodging raindrops...
Of course, I'd love to make this post long-winded, but the truth is that I'm far too often lost for words. This is all that makes sense, at the moment, and I'd rather not bear what I newly understand to everyone. Doubtless I would be judged by those who know me, and it wouldn't end well. I'm not so afraid of the judgement, only the forever distaste they have for me afterward. Yes, I act differently, I don't always make the best decisions - but did you ever wonder about the person behind the mistake?
I didn't think so, either.
Is that enough to think on? Is it enough to make a small change, enough of a butterfly wing-flap to make a difference somewhere else?
I reverently, dearly hope so.
~Fumble
Monday, March 19, 2012
Monday, March 5, 2012
These Worldly Vain Affections
I know it's selfish...and yet I can't help wanting your time, your attention.
I see how you have a big heart - how you care for so many people. It's not a bad thing...I'm like that, too, only I wanted so much more from you. I wanted to be cared for, as you care for others. Even if I don't have a terrible past, or a great testimony, I wanted to be loved as someone who has experienced the depth of the hell that is the world, and is on the way up, by God's grace.
I wanted to be loved as someone who never knew that love before, and now is finally experiencing it for the first time. As someone who was broken. Going through the depravity of life, then understanding what I was missing all along - that is what I want to know, what I want you to know.
But that's not how it works.
And I'll never tell you so, because I so desperately want you to see me as unselfish.
I'll keep all these thoughts, because they are so selfish. These self-seeking dreams...
It's still missing, though.
~Fumble
I see how you have a big heart - how you care for so many people. It's not a bad thing...I'm like that, too, only I wanted so much more from you. I wanted to be cared for, as you care for others. Even if I don't have a terrible past, or a great testimony, I wanted to be loved as someone who has experienced the depth of the hell that is the world, and is on the way up, by God's grace.
I wanted to be loved as someone who never knew that love before, and now is finally experiencing it for the first time. As someone who was broken. Going through the depravity of life, then understanding what I was missing all along - that is what I want to know, what I want you to know.
But that's not how it works.
And I'll never tell you so, because I so desperately want you to see me as unselfish.
I'll keep all these thoughts, because they are so selfish. These self-seeking dreams...
It's still missing, though.
~Fumble
Saturday, February 25, 2012
The Burning Bush
Just another one of those days - and I realize a lot of things about myself. For one thing, I am terrible at making friends. I tend to retreat into myself and become shy and quiet. If you know me, that would probably surprise you, as I am very extroverted with people I know. No, it's the commencement that gets me.
Also...I don't do well in big parties(think grad. parties, baby showers, etc...). I tend to want to go off by myself and pass the time by reading or, in this case, staring at a beautiful painting. In my defense, the painting was amazing; it had so much to look at, and there was always something new to see. I love painting very much, perhaps because I'm so terrible at it. It's one of those things you try and try and try, and nothing good ever really comes of it. My paintings would make the babies cry. I'm okay with that, but...I do get just a little jealous of people who can paint, and do it well, too.
There are also the times when something is, quite simply, different from the way I or my family do things - and on the rare occasion I will wish that it could be that way for me. Of course, this is merely my sentimental side coming through. I doubt many people, even if they might be very sensitive, could understand the depth of my sentimentality. It scares even me sometimes. I get stuck on things, objects, a moment in time - a book, a character from it. I tend to resist change with all I have.
I recently gave up on a dream that was always very close to my heart - I won't go into detail, but it was a matter of letting go of my sentimentality and giving it up into God's hands. I'm not forever quitting this dream, but for the time being...I won't have anything to do with it. Believe me, now that I'm on the other side, I understand, and can live with it; it only stings occasionally.
But getting to that place? It was probably one of the hardest things I've had to do. There are addictions, and then there are obsessions - this was one of the latter, if I am honest. An unhealthy infatuation with something that brought me nothing good - and yet it was such a core part of who I consider myself to be, and what I think lies in my heart. I'm not so good at knowing myself yet, y'know?
I think that might have been the first time I've really experienced a little of what heartbreak is. And no, not in some silly sense, not really. I realize how blessed I've been in my life; yes, I've been sheltered, but it's not such a bad thing.
My heart hurts easily - I've come to terms with that fact. It doesn't mean it heals quickly, too, but that's really my decision, isn't it? It will still hurt, but I can choose to let it go. It's an amazing thing, when you realize, then understand, that your pain doesn't have to define who you are. I don't have to be damaged goods, a continually broken heart. With God's help, I can move past that - that's the only reason I can.
I love that God doesn't control everything - He gives me the choice to move forward, but doesn't force me to. He doesn't promise that it will be easy or painless, but He promises to be there, beside me, carrying me, supporting me.
You know something?
It's enough.
I can live with it, so long as I have Him. I really, really can.
However many times this Fumblebee hits the window...at least it'll be picked up and given another chance.
~Fumble
Also...I don't do well in big parties(think grad. parties, baby showers, etc...). I tend to want to go off by myself and pass the time by reading or, in this case, staring at a beautiful painting. In my defense, the painting was amazing; it had so much to look at, and there was always something new to see. I love painting very much, perhaps because I'm so terrible at it. It's one of those things you try and try and try, and nothing good ever really comes of it. My paintings would make the babies cry. I'm okay with that, but...I do get just a little jealous of people who can paint, and do it well, too.
There are also the times when something is, quite simply, different from the way I or my family do things - and on the rare occasion I will wish that it could be that way for me. Of course, this is merely my sentimental side coming through. I doubt many people, even if they might be very sensitive, could understand the depth of my sentimentality. It scares even me sometimes. I get stuck on things, objects, a moment in time - a book, a character from it. I tend to resist change with all I have.
I recently gave up on a dream that was always very close to my heart - I won't go into detail, but it was a matter of letting go of my sentimentality and giving it up into God's hands. I'm not forever quitting this dream, but for the time being...I won't have anything to do with it. Believe me, now that I'm on the other side, I understand, and can live with it; it only stings occasionally.
But getting to that place? It was probably one of the hardest things I've had to do. There are addictions, and then there are obsessions - this was one of the latter, if I am honest. An unhealthy infatuation with something that brought me nothing good - and yet it was such a core part of who I consider myself to be, and what I think lies in my heart. I'm not so good at knowing myself yet, y'know?
I think that might have been the first time I've really experienced a little of what heartbreak is. And no, not in some silly sense, not really. I realize how blessed I've been in my life; yes, I've been sheltered, but it's not such a bad thing.
My heart hurts easily - I've come to terms with that fact. It doesn't mean it heals quickly, too, but that's really my decision, isn't it? It will still hurt, but I can choose to let it go. It's an amazing thing, when you realize, then understand, that your pain doesn't have to define who you are. I don't have to be damaged goods, a continually broken heart. With God's help, I can move past that - that's the only reason I can.
I love that God doesn't control everything - He gives me the choice to move forward, but doesn't force me to. He doesn't promise that it will be easy or painless, but He promises to be there, beside me, carrying me, supporting me.
You know something?
It's enough.
I can live with it, so long as I have Him. I really, really can.
However many times this Fumblebee hits the window...at least it'll be picked up and given another chance.
~Fumble
Thursday, February 23, 2012
If I Could Just See Your Face
How great the pain of searing loss? How great the pain of betreyal - those who said, "Even if I have to die with you, I will never disown you."(NIV, Matthew 26:35) Even these would flee - even Peter, who swore he would not leave - even he was conquered by fear.
How heartbreaking to hear these words, and know for an absolute truth that they were only human, that they would not stand by You when the time came.
It blows my mind that this is what they said to the Son of God, and then they deserted Him. Immediately after this, He goes to pray at Gethsemane - but first He says to the disciples, "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death..."(NIV, Matthew 26:38) He prays to the point of sweating blood - He asks His Father to take this cup from Him. But, He also prays that God's will be done - not His own. Jesus knows what is to come, and yet He submits to His Father.
Jesus went through every sin - He became every sin; He experienced it all. I know I have yet to understand the depth of the hell Jesus went through. When I think of every sin I've committed, and think of Jesus undergoing that all at one time, I am daunted. Then, to imagine the sins of every person that ever was or will be resting on Him, all at the same time.
I do not understand. I do not comprehend.
Maybe I never will.
But, to know that, at the very least, Jesus took on all my sin at once - takes on my daily, hourly sins - that, in itself, is amazing. I, as a human who shrinks from anything relatively
Who else would care? Who else could even care?
I praise You, Jesus, because You would not run - even though those closest to You, Your beloved disciples, turned their backs, You would not do the same to me. I praise You, thank You, worship You. I give you my life as a living sacrifice, though I fall day after day. I give you my puny faith, my feeble prayers, all of my failings, joys, talents, dreams, my future, my shambles of a heart, everything I dare call my "own".
It's all I can do to reciprocate the gift that cannot be repaid, that can never be out-given or out-ranked.
~Fumble
How heartbreaking to hear these words, and know for an absolute truth that they were only human, that they would not stand by You when the time came.
It blows my mind that this is what they said to the Son of God, and then they deserted Him. Immediately after this, He goes to pray at Gethsemane - but first He says to the disciples, "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death..."(NIV, Matthew 26:38) He prays to the point of sweating blood - He asks His Father to take this cup from Him. But, He also prays that God's will be done - not His own. Jesus knows what is to come, and yet He submits to His Father.
Jesus went through every sin - He became every sin; He experienced it all. I know I have yet to understand the depth of the hell Jesus went through. When I think of every sin I've committed, and think of Jesus undergoing that all at one time, I am daunted. Then, to imagine the sins of every person that ever was or will be resting on Him, all at the same time.
I do not understand. I do not comprehend.
Maybe I never will.
But, to know that, at the very least, Jesus took on all my sin at once - takes on my daily, hourly sins - that, in itself, is amazing. I, as a human who shrinks from anything relatively
Who else would care? Who else could even care?
I praise You, Jesus, because You would not run - even though those closest to You, Your beloved disciples, turned their backs, You would not do the same to me. I praise You, thank You, worship You. I give you my life as a living sacrifice, though I fall day after day. I give you my puny faith, my feeble prayers, all of my failings, joys, talents, dreams, my future, my shambles of a heart, everything I dare call my "own".
It's all I can do to reciprocate the gift that cannot be repaid, that can never be out-given or out-ranked.
~Fumble
Monday, February 20, 2012
Silent Night, Holy Night
I suppose you would think of me as foolish. Doubtless, you'd do the same as any parent would, and tell me to get to bed before I get my hide tanned. I wouldn't blame you; not really, because my sensible side, if there is such a thing, would agree with you. There is something quite achingly beautiful about a quiet, peaceful snowfall that smooths the events of the day over, and brings a sort of lonely peace, like a piano playing by itself, knowing that it has to provide all the counter-melodies and feelings.
This is one of those things I most wish to share. I suppose you could say it's one of those facets of my person, and this one in particular sits near the "romantic" facet. It's the stories like these, which aren't overly passionate or romantic, but sweet in their simplicity. I think the most beautiful proclamation of love is from a book that isn't romantic in the least. It means so much more when it's not uttered every few minutes. The phrase, "I love you," is a precious one, if only because of its rarity. What's so important? True love, of course.
I don't mean to forever ramble about loneliness, but it's one of those ever present things. I know God is always with me, beside me, but it is not good for a man to be alone, much less a woman, or even a half-mature, half-grown girl such as myself. Our dear Savior, in His kindness, saw fit to provide us with friends, family, so on...it's just only a little hard to wait for what He has in store.
The best might be yet to come, but as a forever reminder of my humanity, I always want the best now, so I can share a quiet night with him in the holy silence of a secret snowfall.
~Fumble
This is one of those things I most wish to share. I suppose you could say it's one of those facets of my person, and this one in particular sits near the "romantic" facet. It's the stories like these, which aren't overly passionate or romantic, but sweet in their simplicity. I think the most beautiful proclamation of love is from a book that isn't romantic in the least. It means so much more when it's not uttered every few minutes. The phrase, "I love you," is a precious one, if only because of its rarity. What's so important? True love, of course.
I don't mean to forever ramble about loneliness, but it's one of those ever present things. I know God is always with me, beside me, but it is not good for a man to be alone, much less a woman, or even a half-mature, half-grown girl such as myself. Our dear Savior, in His kindness, saw fit to provide us with friends, family, so on...it's just only a little hard to wait for what He has in store.
The best might be yet to come, but as a forever reminder of my humanity, I always want the best now, so I can share a quiet night with him in the holy silence of a secret snowfall.
~Fumble
Sunday, February 19, 2012
"Together"
It's funny, isn't it?
How much someone can hide behind their smiles, their laughter, their so-called joy? You can go your entire life thinking someone never had any regrets, only to find that, caught in the middle of a regret too great to stand up to, they decide to take the easy way out, without saying goodbye. I find that it's usually the people who appear the most "together" who are broken into the most pieces. When you're that shattered, all the tiny pieces move like the skin of water, so fluidly you'd never guess at the poison hiding between the molecules.
Why is that? Is it because, when we aren't so broken, it's easier to show, easier to relax, and let others know we're not perfect? I don't think so. Brokenness is brokenness, and the magnitude of it has nothing to do with the amount of scar tissue left over.
Am I "together"? Do I seem that way to you? To be very blatantly honest, there is quite a lot of myself that I don't show, and as of yet, it works that way. I long for the day when I can show the entirety of my person to someone, but for right now, learning anew every morning that God knows and understands every part of my being is enough. There is a section of a verse that causes me to weep every time I read it, because I realize, over and over, that God understands the turmoil that is my heart; he understands the agony of being misunderstood.
"I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul."
~Psalm 31:7, emphasis mine
How astounding is that? God understands the agonies, whether small or big, of our souls - he understands, he comprehends, he knows.
How amazing Jesus is, and how tenderly he moves upon my heart! He knows my heart, my person, my character, my thoughts; it was no secret from Him when I was created; I will praise Him because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; I praise Him because he knows every facet of my being, and sees fit to touch my heart in a way that is so beautiful, and so simple.
How can I be merely "together" when I am rent asunder before His loving gaze?
~Fumble
How much someone can hide behind their smiles, their laughter, their so-called joy? You can go your entire life thinking someone never had any regrets, only to find that, caught in the middle of a regret too great to stand up to, they decide to take the easy way out, without saying goodbye. I find that it's usually the people who appear the most "together" who are broken into the most pieces. When you're that shattered, all the tiny pieces move like the skin of water, so fluidly you'd never guess at the poison hiding between the molecules.
Why is that? Is it because, when we aren't so broken, it's easier to show, easier to relax, and let others know we're not perfect? I don't think so. Brokenness is brokenness, and the magnitude of it has nothing to do with the amount of scar tissue left over.
Am I "together"? Do I seem that way to you? To be very blatantly honest, there is quite a lot of myself that I don't show, and as of yet, it works that way. I long for the day when I can show the entirety of my person to someone, but for right now, learning anew every morning that God knows and understands every part of my being is enough. There is a section of a verse that causes me to weep every time I read it, because I realize, over and over, that God understands the turmoil that is my heart; he understands the agony of being misunderstood.
"I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul."
~Psalm 31:7, emphasis mine
How astounding is that? God understands the agonies, whether small or big, of our souls - he understands, he comprehends, he knows.
How amazing Jesus is, and how tenderly he moves upon my heart! He knows my heart, my person, my character, my thoughts; it was no secret from Him when I was created; I will praise Him because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; I praise Him because he knows every facet of my being, and sees fit to touch my heart in a way that is so beautiful, and so simple.
How can I be merely "together" when I am rent asunder before His loving gaze?
~Fumble
Monday, January 9, 2012
Ahoy There!
The beginning of another semester of school...it's exciting, but a little terrifying, too. There's so much work to do over the course, and just looking at the sheer amount is scary, but I know the days will go by quickly, and before I know it, I'll be at finals week.
I still have so much to do before then, though. And not just school things - amazing as it seems, there is life outside of school. There are different things I have to sort through; relationships, my bookshelf, my drawers...I have to go through and throw away what I once held dear. It's a hard thing to do, at least for me, because there are so many memories surrounding even the most insignificant thing. I suppose I'm very sentimental, even for a girl. I have things from nearly a decade ago, and I do hate to see them go - but it's part of walking into the future. One cannot forget the past, with all its triumphs and mistakes, but neither can one forever dwell there. Despite my dislike of change, I do want to walk forward into the future, whatever it may hold for me. I have a Blessed Assurance, but there is still a path to walk, and I quite obviously can't see where it leads.
I have dreams and hopes, and I can only "hope" that the future includes these. I want to be an author, so I'll go into some kind of English, and possibly get a teaching degree, but...I have hopes of marriage in the relatively near future. I don't obsess over it, as that is not a wholesome thing, but I don't completely ignore it either.
However, I won't go on about that - it's best to be kept to myself, lest it goes out of control. Unfortunately, that happens all too easily, but...again, I won't dwell on it.
For the next eighteen weeks, though...homework ahoy!
~Fumble
I still have so much to do before then, though. And not just school things - amazing as it seems, there is life outside of school. There are different things I have to sort through; relationships, my bookshelf, my drawers...I have to go through and throw away what I once held dear. It's a hard thing to do, at least for me, because there are so many memories surrounding even the most insignificant thing. I suppose I'm very sentimental, even for a girl. I have things from nearly a decade ago, and I do hate to see them go - but it's part of walking into the future. One cannot forget the past, with all its triumphs and mistakes, but neither can one forever dwell there. Despite my dislike of change, I do want to walk forward into the future, whatever it may hold for me. I have a Blessed Assurance, but there is still a path to walk, and I quite obviously can't see where it leads.
I have dreams and hopes, and I can only "hope" that the future includes these. I want to be an author, so I'll go into some kind of English, and possibly get a teaching degree, but...I have hopes of marriage in the relatively near future. I don't obsess over it, as that is not a wholesome thing, but I don't completely ignore it either.
However, I won't go on about that - it's best to be kept to myself, lest it goes out of control. Unfortunately, that happens all too easily, but...again, I won't dwell on it.
For the next eighteen weeks, though...homework ahoy!
~Fumble
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Achingly Beautiful, But Bruised And Bleeding All The Same
Why is something achingly beautiful? Well, usually beauty is associated with perfection, to some extent. Perfection is unattainable and thus, so is beauty. Is that the whole truth of the matter, though? I can look at a picture of some beautiful scene in nature, and have an ache inside - because I will never have a chance to know that place, or to experience the beauty firsthand. Pictures help a little, but oftentimes, I find that pictures only increase the ache, and remind me how far away I am from them. To me, things that are achingly beautiful are things I know I cannot have, things I can't compare to.
"Achingly" implies that there is something painful in the beauty, and rightly so. There is music that haunts me, that evades me, hovering in my mind one moment, then gone the next. There is love that tears at my heart; there is joy that I can only envy.
I like to think that there are things I can do that nullify this ache, or at least dull it a little. This is an untruth, an attempt to protect what is already scabbed over. It works, as long as there is something to do, but once I find my hands empty and my work gone, the ache starts to wear away at my heart once more. I'm so very weary of pain, so sick of the ache. At least physical pain is finite, but emotional, mental pain...it lasts the test of time, refuses to mend, and recoils from any attempt to heal.
I suppose, in a way, it's an endlessly bleeding heart - something only soothed, momentarily, by being understood. There is so much of me that is misunderstood, or in hiding...
I suppose you could say that I'm at a low point, but the truth of the matter is, I'm only sore.
Achingly so.
~Fumble
"Achingly" implies that there is something painful in the beauty, and rightly so. There is music that haunts me, that evades me, hovering in my mind one moment, then gone the next. There is love that tears at my heart; there is joy that I can only envy.
I like to think that there are things I can do that nullify this ache, or at least dull it a little. This is an untruth, an attempt to protect what is already scabbed over. It works, as long as there is something to do, but once I find my hands empty and my work gone, the ache starts to wear away at my heart once more. I'm so very weary of pain, so sick of the ache. At least physical pain is finite, but emotional, mental pain...it lasts the test of time, refuses to mend, and recoils from any attempt to heal.
I suppose, in a way, it's an endlessly bleeding heart - something only soothed, momentarily, by being understood. There is so much of me that is misunderstood, or in hiding...
I suppose you could say that I'm at a low point, but the truth of the matter is, I'm only sore.
Achingly so.
~Fumble
A New Year, Agonies And All
They tell us to make resolutions for the new year - in the hope that things will change, lives will change.
I suppose I've never really seen the point - sure, it's fun for a short while, but...ultimately any resolution made fails.
However, it's the trying that's important - wholehearted trying, that is. And so, thus, I shall write down my tries - and hopefully there will be some measure of success this year.
Firstly, I'd like to write more - and not just fanfiction, or short drabbles. I have three unfinished novels, and two written down that need to be revised and revamped - majorly. I want to write more poetry, and compose words to the music inside my head - I have songs, they only lack words, though not meaning.
I'd like to sing more, get better and more devoted to the piano, and possibly even start learning another instrument - violin or flute are most likely.
I want to do more - physically, I'd like to get into shape, and get my diet(not in the starving oneself sense of the word) in order. I want to get good at karate this semester, and be able to use it.
I want to get A's in all my classes, both this spring and in the fall. I want to get scholarships for school, and get that taken care of. I want to figure out what I'm doing next with school. I want a job.
I want to grow a thicker skin, but keep a tender heart. I hurt easily, even when no hurt is intended. I'd like to see an end of that - I'd rather not spend my life being continually hurt; or, if so, then hurting only from things that matter, not small, pointless things.
I want to be a better person; I want to read my Bible daily, and faithfully. I want to hear words from God, and be able to share them. I want to be a worship and youth leader that hears His heart, and responds accordingly. I want to be a good friend - not a complacent, crappy one. I want to have friends that I can speak my mind to, and not be afraid of rejection, or of hurting them. I want friends that aren't so self-centered that they pay no attention to my feelings, my thoughts.
I'd really, really like to get closer to many people - I'm still kind of an outsider. I can still live in a crowd and be completely untouched. I'd like to see an end of that as well.
I'd like to be less self-centered, myself. I want to be a better listener, to understand more, to communicate better. I want to learn to devote myself to things, and to have the courage to press on and push through things. I want to be brave; I want to do things I've never done before, try new things, reach new heights.
I want God to be more visible in my life; I want to give Him my time, my heart, the only things I possess worth giving to Him.
I want to be less concerned about my image, and how people see me. I want to be true to myself, while being willing to give up things of the past and accept what God has in store for me.
I want to please God - I really do. I want to be a Daughter that He can be proud of, and grow into the inheritance He has for me.
I want to fly on the wings my Father has given me.
It seems like there is no conclusion to the things that I wish, the things that I want to resolve to do. I'll print this off, and keep a list to add to, and read it occasionally. May God help me through this year, when I'm stepping into being an adult, and having many more burdens and responsibilities laid on me.
May He walk beside me, behind me, ahead of me, and surround me with His presence.
~Fumble
I suppose I've never really seen the point - sure, it's fun for a short while, but...ultimately any resolution made fails.
However, it's the trying that's important - wholehearted trying, that is. And so, thus, I shall write down my tries - and hopefully there will be some measure of success this year.
Firstly, I'd like to write more - and not just fanfiction, or short drabbles. I have three unfinished novels, and two written down that need to be revised and revamped - majorly. I want to write more poetry, and compose words to the music inside my head - I have songs, they only lack words, though not meaning.
I'd like to sing more, get better and more devoted to the piano, and possibly even start learning another instrument - violin or flute are most likely.
I want to do more - physically, I'd like to get into shape, and get my diet(not in the starving oneself sense of the word) in order. I want to get good at karate this semester, and be able to use it.
I want to get A's in all my classes, both this spring and in the fall. I want to get scholarships for school, and get that taken care of. I want to figure out what I'm doing next with school. I want a job.
I want to grow a thicker skin, but keep a tender heart. I hurt easily, even when no hurt is intended. I'd like to see an end of that - I'd rather not spend my life being continually hurt; or, if so, then hurting only from things that matter, not small, pointless things.
I want to be a better person; I want to read my Bible daily, and faithfully. I want to hear words from God, and be able to share them. I want to be a worship and youth leader that hears His heart, and responds accordingly. I want to be a good friend - not a complacent, crappy one. I want to have friends that I can speak my mind to, and not be afraid of rejection, or of hurting them. I want friends that aren't so self-centered that they pay no attention to my feelings, my thoughts.
I'd really, really like to get closer to many people - I'm still kind of an outsider. I can still live in a crowd and be completely untouched. I'd like to see an end of that as well.
I'd like to be less self-centered, myself. I want to be a better listener, to understand more, to communicate better. I want to learn to devote myself to things, and to have the courage to press on and push through things. I want to be brave; I want to do things I've never done before, try new things, reach new heights.
I want God to be more visible in my life; I want to give Him my time, my heart, the only things I possess worth giving to Him.
I want to be less concerned about my image, and how people see me. I want to be true to myself, while being willing to give up things of the past and accept what God has in store for me.
I want to please God - I really do. I want to be a Daughter that He can be proud of, and grow into the inheritance He has for me.
I want to fly on the wings my Father has given me.
It seems like there is no conclusion to the things that I wish, the things that I want to resolve to do. I'll print this off, and keep a list to add to, and read it occasionally. May God help me through this year, when I'm stepping into being an adult, and having many more burdens and responsibilities laid on me.
May He walk beside me, behind me, ahead of me, and surround me with His presence.
~Fumble
Thursday, December 8, 2011
The Lesser of Two Weevils
I read a very amazing and very close to home post by someone I know...and it's very much where I'm at right now. Go read it, and enjoy:
http://outoftheair.wordpress.com/2011/12/03/a-is-good-but-b-is-good-too/
Isn't it amazing how God can bring light into a situation where you understand nothing? I'm at quite a crossroads in my life - I have to choose what comes next, and I'm very unsure of what to do. A person told me that what she believes is that God has set many paths before me, and no matter what I choose, He will bless it. I love that He has done that, but...it makes it harder for me to choose. It's part of becoming an adult, I suppose, but it's still hard. It would indeed be easier if He showed me just one clear path, but again, refer to that post above.
I will simply console myself with the fact that no matter what I do, I will yet have a Savior, and that He won't change his view of me on what I choose. He's teaching me to lose control, and to step into things that I never have before. This season of my life, learning, changing...it's been hard, but it's been good, too. So many things never would have happened but for a silent season of my life - a season of hardship, a season that seems directionless. I'm by no means out of that season, but I want to embrace it with all my heart. In all my uncertainty, it gives me a chance to draw closer to Jesus, and to learn to lean on him.
To all you who know what you're doing - I applaud you. Only don't forget who put that idea or dream in your heart, and the path before you.
~Fumble
http://outoftheair.wordpress.com/2011/12/03/a-is-good-but-b-is-good-too/
Isn't it amazing how God can bring light into a situation where you understand nothing? I'm at quite a crossroads in my life - I have to choose what comes next, and I'm very unsure of what to do. A person told me that what she believes is that God has set many paths before me, and no matter what I choose, He will bless it. I love that He has done that, but...it makes it harder for me to choose. It's part of becoming an adult, I suppose, but it's still hard. It would indeed be easier if He showed me just one clear path, but again, refer to that post above.
I will simply console myself with the fact that no matter what I do, I will yet have a Savior, and that He won't change his view of me on what I choose. He's teaching me to lose control, and to step into things that I never have before. This season of my life, learning, changing...it's been hard, but it's been good, too. So many things never would have happened but for a silent season of my life - a season of hardship, a season that seems directionless. I'm by no means out of that season, but I want to embrace it with all my heart. In all my uncertainty, it gives me a chance to draw closer to Jesus, and to learn to lean on him.
To all you who know what you're doing - I applaud you. Only don't forget who put that idea or dream in your heart, and the path before you.
~Fumble
Monday, October 10, 2011
To Sleep; Perchance to Dream
It's a hard thing, to know that you set yourself up for disappointment, time after time - and to know that you are disappointing. I dream my impossible dreams, and find myself in the midst of the fragrance of crushed hope. You might wonder why I even bother dreaming, and I would have to wonder along with you. There is little hope in dreams - but I cannot forsake what I know my heart to long for. To dream for something is to, for a short moment, have that thing, if only in your mind. So, even if dreaming is only for a moment, I will keep on.
Perhaps you would understand my obsession with dreaming if you knew how much a part of me it was. For a period of time - perhaps a year - I lived to dream. My days were monotonous and long, and my only escape was to dream. So, I would survive the day, and hasten to sleep. At that time in my life, dreaming was better than being aware - because awareness hurts. Awareness reminds us of our faults, hits us in a place that hurts beyond other hurts. I don't desire to be perfect...but to be good? Even at one, small thing, to outshine others? It's a hope that will forever be crushed. Hope is irrational. So is dreaming.
But I won't wake from the dream - even if disappointment is all I find - because to dream...to hope...this is all I know.
"For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently."
~Romans 8:24-25
Yes, hope can be disappointed, time and time again. Hope can grow faint - but it is still hope. So I will continue to aspire to hope, hope to dream, dream to aspire. Why? Because I want to wake up and find that reality is better than my dreams.
~Fumble
Perhaps you would understand my obsession with dreaming if you knew how much a part of me it was. For a period of time - perhaps a year - I lived to dream. My days were monotonous and long, and my only escape was to dream. So, I would survive the day, and hasten to sleep. At that time in my life, dreaming was better than being aware - because awareness hurts. Awareness reminds us of our faults, hits us in a place that hurts beyond other hurts. I don't desire to be perfect...but to be good? Even at one, small thing, to outshine others? It's a hope that will forever be crushed. Hope is irrational. So is dreaming.
But I won't wake from the dream - even if disappointment is all I find - because to dream...to hope...this is all I know.
"For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently."
~Romans 8:24-25
Yes, hope can be disappointed, time and time again. Hope can grow faint - but it is still hope. So I will continue to aspire to hope, hope to dream, dream to aspire. Why? Because I want to wake up and find that reality is better than my dreams.
~Fumble
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Time Enough
Sometimes, it's fun to take life at a fast pace - say 1.5x. But sometimes...it's just a tad much. School is much like living at 1.5x, whereas summer, to me, is more like normal, or 1x. After too much 1x, it's hard to get back into the rhythm of 1.5x, but once you do, it's rather catchy. There lies the problem - had you ever tried listening to something fast, then slowly? It's agony, listening to notes that used to take a mere split second drag on for what seems like hours. If you're used to living quickly, then it's nigh on impossible to slow down to normalcy.
The change is hard, yes...but most often, it's good. When I'm speeding on down the road, enjoying speed, I forget how I love to reach my arm out the window and pretend to fly, or the teasing pull of the air in my hair, whipping it into my eyes and stinging them. I forget how I love to drive slowly along the streets, noting each tree and house, and enjoying how unique each is.
Maybe that's why I love autumn so much...it's a time of change, but it's slow and tangible. It doesn't happen overnight, and yet somehow it creep up on you. I walk my paths, the leaves falling across my way, the wind caressing the same leaves, urging them to let go of all they've ever known, assuring them that the fall is not painful; that they will guide them.
How simple, how pleasurable it would be, to be a falling leaf, crossing the sky, then falling to rest gently and skittishly on the ground, 'til the wind chose to guide me farther, in whirling eddies in the streets, or joined with many others and serving to cushion children as they lay on me. Or, to serve a great honor, and be taken up by a child, and become part of a collection, chosen to show my beauty for years to come.
Ah, yes...when I am moving at 1.5x, I forget what it is to live simply, and to take joy in that existence. I forget how I love God, and the wonders He works upon the world at the change of seasons. I forget the change that He wants to work in my heart, even as the cool wind sweeps in and changes the season.
But He works, and is faithful to complete His work.
"There is a time for everything, and a season for ever activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
What does the worker gain from his toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on men. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil - this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere Him." ~Ecclesiastes 3:1-14
There is a time to live in 1.5x, and a time to settle in 1x.
~Fumble
The change is hard, yes...but most often, it's good. When I'm speeding on down the road, enjoying speed, I forget how I love to reach my arm out the window and pretend to fly, or the teasing pull of the air in my hair, whipping it into my eyes and stinging them. I forget how I love to drive slowly along the streets, noting each tree and house, and enjoying how unique each is.
Maybe that's why I love autumn so much...it's a time of change, but it's slow and tangible. It doesn't happen overnight, and yet somehow it creep up on you. I walk my paths, the leaves falling across my way, the wind caressing the same leaves, urging them to let go of all they've ever known, assuring them that the fall is not painful; that they will guide them.
How simple, how pleasurable it would be, to be a falling leaf, crossing the sky, then falling to rest gently and skittishly on the ground, 'til the wind chose to guide me farther, in whirling eddies in the streets, or joined with many others and serving to cushion children as they lay on me. Or, to serve a great honor, and be taken up by a child, and become part of a collection, chosen to show my beauty for years to come.
Ah, yes...when I am moving at 1.5x, I forget what it is to live simply, and to take joy in that existence. I forget how I love God, and the wonders He works upon the world at the change of seasons. I forget the change that He wants to work in my heart, even as the cool wind sweeps in and changes the season.
But He works, and is faithful to complete His work.
"There is a time for everything, and a season for ever activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
What does the worker gain from his toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on men. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil - this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere Him." ~Ecclesiastes 3:1-14
There is a time to live in 1.5x, and a time to settle in 1x.
~Fumble
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Remember the Past
Right and wrong. How can what seems to be a simple concept become such a beast to understand? And what if there is no right, and only wrong on either side of the equation? In the Dakota War of 1862, neither side was in the right. Certainly, the Indians committed great savagery, and I'm not justifying it, but consider what was going on between the Europeans and the Indians at that time. Just as there was savagery on the part of the Native Americans, there was also a "refined" savagery - if you can call slowly killing a people through starvation and debt. One way or the other, the whites would have been the death of the Indians - and sooner or later, the Indians would decide that enough was enough and retaliate before another blow could hit them. The impulsiveness of four braves would cause the deaths of hundreds - both white and Indian.
Each side had their reasons; their "right", but you ask me who was right, and who was wrong? There is no answer. There is no gray. History is oft a hard lesson; why? Because we learn that we are not infallible; the human race, whatever skin color, will ultimately fail. We've seen it again and again in history - as it is said: "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it."(George Santayana) In my words - if you refuse to learn from what has been proven to happen, if you refuse to believe that the heart of humanity is depravity - then you refuse to realize that you will repeat it.
Reaching into a fire will cause pain and burns, but to be so foolish as to reach for it once again?
God is our only hope. Why?
Because He's the only one who can stop our nation from going to Hell - and staying there.
~Fumble
Each side had their reasons; their "right", but you ask me who was right, and who was wrong? There is no answer. There is no gray. History is oft a hard lesson; why? Because we learn that we are not infallible; the human race, whatever skin color, will ultimately fail. We've seen it again and again in history - as it is said: "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it."(George Santayana) In my words - if you refuse to learn from what has been proven to happen, if you refuse to believe that the heart of humanity is depravity - then you refuse to realize that you will repeat it.
Reaching into a fire will cause pain and burns, but to be so foolish as to reach for it once again?
God is our only hope. Why?
Because He's the only one who can stop our nation from going to Hell - and staying there.
~Fumble
Monday, September 19, 2011
The Last Laugh
Why is it that every time I think I start to understand something, I end up more confused than ever? Is everything in life going to have that extra facet, just around the corner, that stumps me and sends me right back to the beginning? I mean, really, what's the deal? God, couldn't you make anything simple enough for me to understand? But then again...I suppose if I really understood things, I'd take them for granted, and then eventually I would have more losses...but I take things for granted anyway; my friends, my family, church...I even take God for granted. It's so very hard knowing that I am the heart of every problem I have. God has never been the source of my problems; it's always been me trying to excuse my behavior, my thoughts, my inclinations.
Fortunately, He's always there to help me back on my feet, after I cripple myself. Honestly, the human race is so self-destructive...before we can ever get ahead, we hamstring ourselves with our ideals and fancies, when God has a simple, relatively "easy" plan to follow. All He asks is that we cast everything aside and follow Him, and only Him, with nothing between us, or any such. It strikes me that it really should be easy. In fact, it's laughably easy - at least, until I try to do it. But then, in come all the places where I've compromised myself, all the things that I've put higher on my priority list than God...it's a painful realization, that I have so very many things that I "love" more than my Savior.
And yet it's so hard to give them up. Sometimes I feel as if the only way I could ever truly give everything up for Him is if I was at the point of Death, and understanding the regrets I had never understood before, and He brought me back. It seems as if my impossibly hard heart would need a radical change like that. Otherwise, it's too easy to slip back into every habit, every pattern of living I had hoped would have been left behind.
Truly, the only thing between God and myself is, indeed, myself. To die to oneself...it's a hard thing, but necessary. To give up everything and follow Him, daily taking up my cross...I know that the only way that will happen is if God gives me grace to do so. It'll be a choice I have to make eventually.
Either way, God will have the last laugh.
I can only hope I'll be laughing with him.
~Fumble
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Safety
Hopeless.
It's a feeling that's become all too familiar to me...one I live with daily. I try to make things right, but it seems my effort is wasted. Or, rather, it's not wasted, it just causes things to move in the opposite direction.
Ever been in a situation you know you can't get out of? Then you'll know exactly how I feel right now. I feel literally and figuratively trapped. It's not a pleasant feeling...
Hopeless. Helpless.
No matter what I am right now, it's "less". School will start in a few weeks, and I will be able to escape through that, at least a little. And I don't have to agree to anything - the only contact will be the inevitable, and it doesn't have to be that much.
Don't hate me for wanting to back out of this. If friendship is all about being the same and doing the same things and depending so heavily on the other person that if one of you goes down, the other follows, then I refuse to have friendship. If that is how it is "supposed" to be, then I sincerely hate it. I will run away and hide.
Why?
Because I can't deal with it, truthfully. Every attempt drives me further back, cuts me away. There are much better ways to spend sleepless nights. I can't handle it, and I know it full well.
I've had to be very good at hiding. If you're good at hiding, then so-called "relationships" cannot hurt you. You simply don't get close enough for it. It's kept me safe all my life, if a tad lonely.
But I can deal with lonely. I'd much rather have no close relationships if they had to be so close they cause asphyxiation. I can walk my path alone, and never have any regrets.
I can stand loneliness so long as I'm safe.
~Fumble
It's a feeling that's become all too familiar to me...one I live with daily. I try to make things right, but it seems my effort is wasted. Or, rather, it's not wasted, it just causes things to move in the opposite direction.
Ever been in a situation you know you can't get out of? Then you'll know exactly how I feel right now. I feel literally and figuratively trapped. It's not a pleasant feeling...
Hopeless. Helpless.
No matter what I am right now, it's "less". School will start in a few weeks, and I will be able to escape through that, at least a little. And I don't have to agree to anything - the only contact will be the inevitable, and it doesn't have to be that much.
Don't hate me for wanting to back out of this. If friendship is all about being the same and doing the same things and depending so heavily on the other person that if one of you goes down, the other follows, then I refuse to have friendship. If that is how it is "supposed" to be, then I sincerely hate it. I will run away and hide.
Why?
Because I can't deal with it, truthfully. Every attempt drives me further back, cuts me away. There are much better ways to spend sleepless nights. I can't handle it, and I know it full well.
I've had to be very good at hiding. If you're good at hiding, then so-called "relationships" cannot hurt you. You simply don't get close enough for it. It's kept me safe all my life, if a tad lonely.
But I can deal with lonely. I'd much rather have no close relationships if they had to be so close they cause asphyxiation. I can walk my path alone, and never have any regrets.
I can stand loneliness so long as I'm safe.
~Fumble
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