Overcast

Jeesh. Enough angst already. Sorry people; I have this amazing superpower to gripe about all sorts of crap. The normal me is back. Sometimes Overcast jumps out at school and other places, usually without me noticing. She stays for a while, too...by the time I notice her, she's run off again, waiting for the next chance to catch me.

I wish what occurs to Over and I wasn't always somewhat depressed or sad in subject. Unfortunately, it's usually all that's going on. Neither of myself can get over the sad state of affairs everything is in, but it helps to write it out.

Real Over - myself, at least - is fairly happy at the moment. Rather melancholy, as always, but not particularly unhappy or upset. Of course, there is the usual loneliness, but I'm accustomed to that. When you're a shut-in that never lets her true self show, it's hard to not feel alone. I'm not even sure I know the person I am. I'm not that understanding of myself. God willing, I'll run into someone, somewhere, who can figure me out, 'cause I'm totally stuck at this point.

Over is rather put out after trying to go fishing and getting bombarded by gnats. She likes her quiet times, sailing or fishing, just doing one of those things you can think and enjoy oneself all the while.

I am I and Over is...well, my rather upset, disturbed, and disappointed name for ranting and being generally depressed and annoying and a bit of a didiot. She's not the best person, and that therefore reflects on me.

But, I'm not writing this for anyone but myself. No one reads my thoughts at any rate, so why should what I say make any difference?

Anyhow...

Today I realized how easily I fall into believing the worst of myself. A reprimand sets me off, shutting me up with anger until I can stop myself and think things through. I'm such a ditz...getting angry so easily and falling out of anger almost as easily. Such an emotional mess...but I suppose that come with being female, somewhat.

But - that reprimand sets off a chain reaction, and way too easily at that. A reprimand leads to being I am too worthless to be allowed to do anything. How easily I fall into the slough of despond, of rejecting that God gave me worth. How fickle I am - and the more I realize it, the worse it gets. I would have low self-esteem if not for the fact that I don't have any self-esteem in the first place.

This isn't a pity party, nor angst, really...it's simply me realizing things out loud online that I can't out loud in real life. The best audience is one you know is there, but paying little or no attention to you; that way you don't have to fear them.

Anyhow...as it is rather late and I enjoy sleeping...good night all.

Good night, and I hope a rest upon you without dreams of chainsaw murderers and...other things.

~Overcast